New Blog

Hello everyone,

I am writing this with a heavy heart. J and I were unable to make things work. Basically I was, she did not. I have therefore decided to create a new blog. Somewhere I can go to write about my journey, heal, get mad, and somehow grow and become an even better person than before. In the meantime, I am in a really hard place. I cry a lot and just wonder if I will ever heal at all from this.

If you want to continue to follow me and my journey please email me at mybreakupblog@gmail.com
I will then send you the link. I just want to keep certain people from reading. I really enjoyed the people and families that I met in the TTC community. I will continue to read along with your journeys and praying for all of those babies to be!

Hope to see some of you over there!

Love, Grace, and Heartbreak

Things are still no better. In fact they may be worse. We agreed to a trial separation. I am now staying with very dear friends of ours that offered their home to me as long as I need it. They have a two year old whom I am very close to and love dearly. Her laughs and playtime have been such a great distraction to what is going on. I am so incredibly grateful for such wonderful friends for what they have done. When this first happened I felt so alone. I felt like I had nobody. J is very close to her family. Their homes and love surround her. My family lives about an hour and a half away. While I love them dearly and know that they love me, I am not very close to them. My friends however have shown their love abundantly. Most of the friends that J and I have are shared friends. I was really worried about this. I shouldn't have worried at all. Our friends have wrapped their love and friendship around me. Tightly. They have housed me, fed me, listened, talked. Mostly though, they have shown unconditional love. I am sure they are doing the same for J, as it should be.


I don't really know what the future brings. I have a couple of plans just in case. I guess you would call them plan b, c, d, and e. Actually I don't have that many plans in mind. Probably just a couple. As far as I know, J still feels the same. That she is not in love with me. To say that looking at my 7 month old wedding pictures, from what was supposed to be the best day in my life is devastating is an understatement. It is a crushing, terrifying, disbelieving ache. I never in my wildest dreams saw this coming. I never believed there would ever be anything that we couldn't work through. We had what I thought was the happiest, unbelievable wedding. People couldn't stop talking about it. We cried throughout the whole thing and tenderly wiped each others tears. We danced the night away on mango martinis and all our friends and family. It was truly the most wonderful day ever. Seven days later, on our honeymoon, we met with an officiant in Washington DC and made our marriage legal. 


That I sit here in a home that is not my own is a nightmare to me. While I am so, so thankful for my friends for sharing their home with me, I want MY home. I want to share this rainy Sunday with MY wife, in OUR home. The one we bought and renovated this summer. I pinch myself at times because this whole situation is like one of this horrible dreams you have where you dream that your spouse leaves you and you lose everything kind of dreams. We used to love days like this. Laying on the couch snuggling together, reading, watching bad TV, snacking. Instead I am here and she is there. And there may never be that again. That is the reality. 


As it stands, not many people know about this. My family does not know and only a handful of friends know. Nobody I work with knows. That is why this blog is so important to me. I am free to write. (not exactly what I thought I'd be writing about on a TTC blog...) Nobody really "knows" me here. This is where I can say I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm frustrated" I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm terrified. I'm heartbroken. I can also say here how incredibly grateful I am. I have very nice, comfortable room and bathroom. A quiet place to read, write, think, do yoga, sleep, heal. It is just what I need right now. And I am not alone. I am here with people that love me. They give me lots of space but surround me with support when I need it.


So, I thought I'd be writing about how heartbroken I am today. Make no mistake about it, I am. I feel the grace in my life that I have though. Through my friends. What my small family of friends have done is love me. They have kept me going when I didn't think I could, they have fed me numerous times, they have let me cry, they are housing me, telling me I can stay however long I need to. Who has that?? I didn't think that I did. I never thought my friends loved me this much. They do. I know it now.


So, I remain in limbo. With my marriage. With my living situation. I'm not living at home and my wife is still not in love with me. I will make it though. Today through love, I truly believe that.

Never Saw It Coming

So.......


I wasn't going to write this post. I just thought it was too private here. However, only a few friends know of this blog and they also know what's going on. The rest of you are my private little community. It is wonderful to be able write without worries of judgement.


As I have shared on our blog, we were married 6 months ago. 10/01/11. It was the best day of my life. Our entire family were there as long as our closest friends. We worked so hard on our day. Planning it for two years. We came up with our vows together as well as the service. We truly wanted for it to be meaningful. We both cried throughout the entire ceremony. Then we celebrated the night away. We ate, drank, danced, and celebrated our love. Everyone continued to talk throughout the night about how it was the most perfect, beautiful wedding. It was purely the most magical night of my life. I had a fairy book life. I had everything i ever wanted.


 I am embarrassed, and heartbroken to write what I am writing now. On Sunday, my wife informed me that she was no longer in love with me.  I am devastated. She says that she is still committed to our relationship. But we are miserably living together. Surviving. Making small talk about the weather, TV shows, household needs. We will be seeing our therapist that we just started with tomorrow. I am not sure once your spouse tells you something like that, that you can recover.


I have cried all day the last two days. I can't eat, I feel like I am going to throw up all the time.I have been in bed all day today. Having a mini breakdown/ pity party! I just could not do TODAY, it was too much. It hit me. I may lose everything we have here  together as well as my wife. Today I cancelled all my plans and cried and slept. I needed that. At some point, I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I need to do. Just not today.


  You know what? I believed and meant every word of my vows. I have every intention of sticking to them. I believed in everything we dreamed of doing. I believed that the best was yet to be. I have been blinsided. I never saw this coming.


The hard thing is that I have so much to lose. We have a beautiful little bungalow, filled with natural sun light that spills onto the hardwood floors, that we bought together last year. We have two dogs that are like our children, I have a daughter that has a very special relationship with J. We have accounts together. Property together. I am just not ready to demantle what we have.  As strong of a person I am, I just feel that I can't do this. Not right now.


She is not my wife that I married, the woman I have know for four years. She treats me like a stranger now. Regardless of how she feels about me though, I am still madly in love with her. I told her I meant our vows. I am holding on tight to them and praying like crazy. I look at our wedding pictures and special things we have from that day around the house and it suffocates me with pain.


I never thought we'd be here. Sure we had issues to work through but we had a fight about a month ago and things have snowballed from there. I have tried to reach out to her. Extend the olive branch but she remains cold and distant. I don't know her right now though. She is not my wife that I married and have known for four years.


So, I decided to go and stay with some friends for awhile. They offered their guest room as soon as this happened. I just can't live like this anymore. Maybe being apart will help us to heal. Help us to mend some wrongs and things that has festered. We both say we want it to work and are willing to go to therapy. It's a little glimmer of hope. I am trying to stay positive, take care of myself. Somedays are better than others.


We shall see what happens. I have however, realized who my friends are. They have been amazing and got me through some days that I was surviving minute by minute. Hour by hour.


I will survive this. I don't want to though. This is OUR home, our dreams, our forever. I won't walk away unless she does. I will stand firm in my commitment.

A Family at Breakfast

MY FAITH IN HUMANITY HAS BEEN RESTORED....A LITTLE BIT :) TEXAS?


Watch as these gay parents are bashed in public, in front of their children. Then the reaction. I was touched and a little bit pleasantly surprised. Actually awed from the reactions. You may need some tissues. Very heartfelt interactions between our fellow man. Gay and straight.


Awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zhl9MLno424&feature=player_embedded

All That Really Matters

I have a confession to make. I LOVE reading blogs. I read them like I would read a book. Sometimes I read them all the way through from finish to start. It's not so much a nosiness. I just find other people's lives fascinating! Especially when they are so similar to mine. I don't have hundreds of same sex newlyweds/families in my neighborhood. I can pretty much say there are none where we live now. I can get online though and there are HUNDREDS of families like ours. Of course most of them are scattered all around the country and Canada! It is so nice to turn on the computer and all of a sudden I am surrounded by people like me. Most of you are engaged in the homosexual agenda pointed out by politicians and evangelical organizations, as am I. I am sure that your homosexual agenda is somewhat like mine: paying the mortgage, doing homework with kids, housework, doing the laundry, cooking dinner, paying bills.....really deviant stuff. and the worst of all, settling down, getting married, and *gasp* having children!


 Most of the blogs I read these days are family and children oriented. It seems that now there are more GLBT families having children. And writing about it. Since I have started reading these blogs and we have started the very early process of TTC, I've noticed some anxiety. I seem to go right for the TTC timeline when I find a new blog. This is usually, for those of you not familiar with this term the "Trying To Conceive Timeline" These usually read as pretty depressing and discouraging. To me anyway. They start with dates at the beginning and it usually goes through all the dates, in order, of all procedures, IUI and IVF attempts. It also includes surgeries, procedures that have been needed to increase fertility. I have recently started becoming really discouraged by these and all the years of posts. It seems that there is a long road ahead of us! I don't want to stop reading these because I love the community that is developed. But sometimes when I look at the start to when a couple actually has a baby, it is a two-three year span. When I factor in J's PCOS and the fact that she has to take medication just to have a period it seems like this may be really hard. She says she only wants to do six IUI's. Then reevaluate. I just wonder if we are setting ourselves up for a lot of heartache and financial strain.


Don't get me wrong, I was really thrilled that J changed her mind and decided that she really did want to try to get pregnant. I am so proud of her for really digging down to see that fear was really keeping her from becoming a mother. Fear and anxiety have been issues that she had for a long time. So for her to decide that she really did want children was amazing. Part of my problem is that I read to much. I read all about everything against us. In print and online. I read about the years and years of heartache, procedures, stress. Even the foster parents, adoption stories are heartbreaking. It makes me nervous, and anxious about the whole process. Most of you know I have two children already. I am forty two. J is thirty four. She has never had the joy of becoming a mother. I worry for her that she may be heartbroken. I worry that we may both get our hopes up and it won't happen. 


So for now, I try not to read anymore timelines. I try to stay positive. I truly believe if we are meant to be parents of more children it will happen. I believe that the power of positive thinking is important. It is something I struggle with. I tend to be a worrier. I am working on that. I am working on believing that if we stay positive, believing that we can do this. It will happen.


The most important thing I believe is that I love J with all my heart. I know that whatever happens we will be happy together. That we are a family.  We have such a wonderful extended family all around us. It gets us through. We are literally surrounded by family. My in laws are across the street (they have an amazing pool and we pretty much live outside around it all summer.) and J's sister and family are two doors down. Her great aunt is another two doors away.  My family lives about and hour and a half away. We get our two nephews (one is mine and one is hers, they are literally city mouse and country mouse, so getting them together is hilarious!) together to spend weekends with us quite often.  We frequently get both of our families together for meals, cookouts, swimming, holidays and birthdays. We are so blessed that both of our families support us and get along really well. Our moms actually get together on their own and go to lunch! As someone who has never lived near family before and moved around a lot as a child, it is awesome to have this family and community that surrounds us. 


I have come to realize, this is all that really matters.

We Have A New Baby At Our House!

We have a new baby. She is ten weeks old. She weighs 10 lbs. Her name is Piper. She has the softest light brown hair and big brown eyes. We are absolutely exhausted! We are sleep deprived. I haven't had a shower in two days. I try to sleep when she sleeps. She is sleeping in my lap as I write this. Before I go any further, let me explain that she is a puppy!

J holding our new baby

At this point I really don't see the difference between a baby puppy and a baby human! I have experienced them both and am thinking the baby human was easier. They didn't have legs that worked yet, you could wear them, they wore diapers, ate on demand, and had no teeth!!! We are in love with her though! It is so funny to compare them to the human baby. If you ever wondered if you and your partners parenting skills are similar and work well together, get a puppy. A young one.


The first night Piper slept curled up, nestled in my neck. She arrived home at about 1:00 am. See, my wife wanted to surprise me for my birthday. She had planned this for weeks. Her best friend Jamie and her wife live in Atlanta. A friend of theirs rescued and was fostering three puppies that appeared to be a dachshund mix. They were taken from a hoarder situation. They all had Parvo. All but three of the puppies died. She is one of the three survivors! So my wife, her sister, and a friend drove halfway to Atlanta, about three hours to pick up this pup. They were supposedly running "birthday errands"! While they were gone, I was brainstorming. I knew that whatever the surprise was, my daughter was very jealous about. I had heard the whispers, the bits of conversation here and there. I couldn't possibly think of what my daughter would be jealous over! Then I remembered. She really wanted a dog. We have also been talking about it as well. Due to my back injury I knew it wasn't the right time. I called J. I begged her to tell me if she was getting me a dog for my birthday. I told her, "do not get me a dog for my birthday" I made her promise me that this was NOT my birthday surprise. Now mind you, she is driving three hours for "Operation Piper" I hung up the phone, somewhat convinced that there was no dog. At 1:00 am I was awakened to J who led me to the kitchen window. There in the window, J's sister is holding up Piper! My heart melted, I went outside, I was in love. She was so beautiful, so calm. And J was a panicked ball of nerves! I totally let her off the hook. She was forgiven for the puppy lies.

Surprise! Happy Birthday Mom!!

So, the first night, she slept blissfully against my neck. In the morning, and several doggy accidents later, I came to my senses. She really needed to be crate trained. J agreed reluctantly. She had not crate trained Manny our boxer when she got him 5 years ago. He did fine sleeping in bed from the start. I insisted that this was best. We got a crate and started the second night. He cried 20 minutes that first night. I thought J was going to die! I had to convince her we were doing the right thing. We set the clock to take her out in three hours. We all survived. The next night she cried less than five minutes. We are now having no crying at bedtime and she seems to like her crate. We are still taking her out every 3-4 hours during the night. During the day, she goes out every hour. Hence the no shower, housework, blogging, or much of anything else!


Like a baby human, I am napping when she naps, which is usually on my chest or lap. Her older brother, Manny is having lots of sibling rivalry. The chew toys that were bought for the baby are now being chewed on my him. He attempts to climb into my lap during nap time, all 80 lbs of him. I have to send him away and I feel terrible! It is so much like having a real sibling. He pouts when you show the baby too much attention, he takes her toys, is so clingy, needs lots of attention. They play really well together. He is a little rough on her, plays really hard. She does have those razor sharp baby teeth which does give her a little bit of an advantage. I think they will eventually be really good friends.

Manny and Piper- showing brother and sister love

Just as parenting a human baby isn't always predictable, neither is puppy parenting. We were originally told that she was a dachshund mix. We had wanted a smaller dog since we already had one 80 lb baby. When J picked her up it was quite evident that she was a lot bigger. We have since discovered that she appears to be a Rhodesian Ridgeback. It is a type of hound. She looks just like all the pictures we have taken. From the size of her feet she will probably get to be 50-70lbs! So much for a little dog! Just like with children, you never know what kind of child to expect. It's always good to be flexible!


J is known to get her out of her crate in the morning, take her outside to go potty and then spend the rest of the morning until she has to get ready for work with the baby on her chest, both of them sleeping on the couch.





Softie.

Favorite place to sleep.

Having It All

As I sit and write this it is 2:25am. I sit in this recliner. The one that has been my home for the past few weeks. I am surrounded by little tables with everything I need. Books, magazines, journals, lip gloss, back scratcher, reacher- grabby thingy, pill bottles, hand lotion, iPhone, pillows, heating pad, a book of devotionals, a mason jar full of pens and pencils, a coaster that rests my drink, a pair of slipper socks in case my feet get cold. I have my favorite blanket, a quilt that my mom made, totally by hand twenty four years ago. I really feel the warmth from it....so much so that it is falling apart at the seams. I have everything I need. I really do. It just doesn't feel like it. I'm struggling. Having a really hard time.


 My sweet baby girl who isn't a baby anymore sleeps in her room as I write this. She finished her senior project this week. Presented and done. She graduates in THREE months. But I swear to you now, as I write this, that I still remember, nights like these, sitting in another chair nursing that same little girl. The one with the feathery, wispy, blond hair. Dressed in jammies with feet,her little hand holding on so tight to my skin, to make sure I was still there. Not so long ago, I would sneak her quietly into her room, placing her in her crib, her body limp from the milk coma she was in. And then sneaking back out. Strategically zig-zagging across her floor to miss the creaks in the spots that I knew by heart were there. Hoping and praying that she would sleep two hours this time. She only believed in sleeping 2-3 hours at a time those first six months. Then she would wake again. And would always stay at the breast for an hour at a time, until we did it all again.


 I. can't. believe. she. is. all. grown. up. Where did the time with her go? Where do those hours and minutes dissolve into? People tell you that "they grow up so fast." I would nod at them, in a sleep deprived, zombie dazed kind of way. In that haze that most mothers with two small children have. I would tell you that I knew they grew up so fast. That I would surely savor every minute with my babies. That I would remember every minute. But I don't think I did. Because now its here....that moment that *they* tell you about. I'm just not ready yet. 


This baby girl of mine? The one who called me from school the other day....or actually it was a text and asked "do you REALLY want the cap and gown package?" YES!!!! I replied. I could literally see her rolling her eyes at her phone.


I hear her now from my chair, stirring in her sleep, moving around amongst the covers. She doesn't awake anymore like she used to. This girl can really sleep now.....10, 11, 12 hours sometimes. Then she gets up and moves through the world. I'm not needed anymore. She's got this.


And then moments like this happen....her best friend E asked her to spend the night the other night. " Call your mom," E told her.  Little C said no, that she needed to get home. She confided to me later, " I wanted to see you. I wanted to hang out with you tonight." REALLY? ME? YOUR UNCOOL MOM? I have to tell you that was really something! This girl of mine loves her friends, loves to be busy, loves to be where the action and fun is. I am so lucky though, she has never caused me an moment of trouble. Has never been in trouble at school or otherwise. She is a blessing. This was last week when my back had just gone out. After we sat and talked for a bit, as she was telling me goodnight and gathering her things from the day, she told me, "I'm going to leave my door cracked just in case you need anything tonight. Just call me. I will be able to hear you." WOW. Those of you with teenagers know how powerful that is. Because even though my wife was just in the next room, she wanted me to know that SHE was there too. This very small gesture meant the world to me.


So, I really DO have everything I need. Because right down the hall from that love is my wife. The one that married me just about five months ago. The one that I truly believe in my heart will do anything for me. For our family.


This post tonight was going to be about my sadness about my back. About how not ONE person that I work with has called me to check on me. About how none of the friends that I really thought were my friends, haven't reached out with a card or a phone call. Nothing. But I started writing about how I was sad. I had nothing. No friends from work....blah.blah.blah. Which just isn't true. Right here in this house I have everything. Everything I EVER wanted. Everything I ever dreamed of as I was growing up is here. And none of these things are objects, material possessions. What I have is love. Family. Home (which is much different than a house.)


 I also really do have good friends. (despite what my head likes to tell me sometimes.) Ones that know me and really do love me anyway. They may not be plentiful in numbers. I have just a few really good friends. The ones I have are the kind that I know if I needed to call them at two o'clock in the morning for any reason, I can. That is what matters. Not how many I have, but knowing that the ones I do have love me.



So to go back to the beginning, of this post, I do have it all. I really do.

Never Say Never!

I know a little more about my back situation than I did last week. It scares the shit out of me. Basically, my back is my livelihood. I am a nurse. My back has to withstand 12 hour shifts, pulling people up in bed (which is how I hurt my back) picking people up off the floor if they fall, leaning over patients for dressing changes and other procedures. Believe me, the back of a nurse must be strong. Mine is not. I saw the orthopedic doc on Friday. He looked at the x-rays they did at that visit and my old MRI. He saw arthritis and scar tissue. He also saw a disc that was 80% gone....and that was from an MRI that was two years ago. He went over my medications and was a little stunned. I take a LOT of meds and most of them are for my back! A few are narcotics. I take a long acting morphine that lasts for 12 hours. I take it twice a day. I STILL hurt! He said that I was way too young to be on that much medication and I agree! I either take the meds for a small amount of pain relief or don't take them and walk around in a fog. I am tired of it all. Last weekend I took the medications while J and I ran errands. The result was me looking like a stoner, nodding off during a haircut, and basically not being present in my life. Yesterday I decided was going to be different. I took the bare minimum of pain meds. We had a busy day and it ended with our monthly dinner group with 3 other couples. I wanted to enjoy the day, I wanted to remember the conversation. I wanted to be able to look people in the eyes instead of nodding off in mid sentence. I paid for it. See, I also wanted to sleep in bed next to my wife. I wanted to snuggle up to her, lock my feet into hers as we drift off to sleep. Listening to her breathing and slightly amusing snore. I love waking up together on Sunday mornings. So, instead of sleeping in the recliner where it is less painful to sleep, I slept in bed. With my wife. I woke up in tears. I hurt ALL night long. J said I moaned in my sleep, talked in my sleep and was restless all night. I had taken medication so I didn't wake up. I do however remember being in pain all night. I walked into the living room this morning, sat in the recliner and cried. I am so frustrated. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being dopey. Forgetful. Sedentary. I am just tired. I know other people are tired of hearing about it too! That is why I love this blog! I have only told a few people about it. Probably only 5-6 people that really know me in real life! If they don't want to read it they can scroll on through! The rest are from the internet. Maybe someone who has been through this too will read this. Maybe someone that understands. 


Anyway, back to the Dr. appointment. He pretty much says I need surgery. A back fusion. It is a pretty serious surgery. But, one that may change things for good. One that could help me finally get off these medications. My mother in law just had the same surgery last week and is doing great. Another close friend had it years ago. She was in physical therapy for six months but she is a very active, sporty person now. Both her and J's mom are not on pain medication. That intrigues me! If I could have a surgery, work my butt off in physical therapy, and get off all this medication, I would be thrilled! I have said for the last few years that I would NEVER have another back surgery. I am starting to rethink that! I go for another MRI soon (since this is workers comp I have no idea of the timing of anything!) then I go back for the results. If they say that surgery will help, I will have it done. I am actually getting to the place where I just want it done. If it could bring me relief, I'm ready to go!


Which leads me to the purpose of this blog.....TTC. I will be out of work for awhile. I don't even know if I will ever be able to do the kind of nursing I have always done. I may not be able to do patient care. Which makes me sad. We would have to see. To be on the safe side I will say that maybe I will be back to work in six months. I am getting workers comp right now but that is only 66% of my salary. It was going to be hard to do the whole TTC thing before this happened. Now it will be really difficult. I still think we should try. J has PCOS, we don't even know if she ovulates. We know this is going to be a long, hard road. We just didn't realize that we would also have my crap to deal with! Even if she got pregnant right away and I am still doing PT I think it would be fine. I just don't want my surgery to derail the growth of our family. Its just not fair to J. Who has by the way, been the best, compassionate, caring spouse ever. She does it in her own way, but she has been my rock. She is always a calm amongst a storm . This one has been no different. I am the overreacting, worrier, who has already decided the sky is falling and we're are all doomed! She is the perfect compliment to my hyper-glass empty-and it also has a crack in it world! She is calming, soothing, quiet, caring, we will get through this, even if we have to buy a new glass because yours is cracked kind of girl! She is awesome. She has not once mentioned my decrease in salary or her increase in responsibilities at home and financially. She just said what she always does. "It's going to be ok. We will get through this. Together."


I love that girl.

Back To Basics

Our beautiful daughter on our wedding day with our flower girl Izzy. I am so extremely proud of her!!!!!

When I started this blog I hoped that it would be so much more than just a baby or TTC blog. I wanted to be able to write about our lives. Our marriage. My big kids. Basically Life. Many people want to read about the little ones and how to get there. I know I do. But right now we are at a standstill with that until our HSG this spring. However, life goes on. Our blog is for me to document our life. The good. The bad. The ugly. Maybe someday we will look back and laugh at it all. I also have to admit that I really do enjoy reading just the mundane details of strangers lives. Just the ordinary stories of love, kids, marriage ups and downs. Makes me feel like we really are a normal family! Whatever normal is!


On a couple positive notes. Our daughter Little C got into college! She will be about 2 and1/2 hours away at a small, private liberal arts college. I am really in denial at this point. I am so excited for her to start this journey and all that the world has to offer out there. I am just not ready to let go of her that much. Making sure she gets up for school, eats, studies, managing her time. All of those things she will have to do herself. That. Is. So. Scary. To. Me. It just doesn't seem like she is old enough. It still seems like she was in elementary school last week. I truly am excited for her and all that the future holds! I just have keep reminding myself that this is what we work for as parents.....to set them free. Hoping that we have taught them while they have been ours during this time, everything they need to know. Trusting also that they figure out what they don't know. She is such a wonderful girl. I think she will do fine. Me? Not too sure! We still have time though and I am clinging to that with every minute I get to share with her.


I got an Macbook Pro this past weekend. This is so exciting. I have wanted a new laptop for so long. J has one for work, Little C has one for school. I had an iPad which I love but it was limiting in what it would let me do especially in blogging. I couldn't upload pictures and a few other things. It was limiting. This computer is awesome though! I don't really understand exactly how to use it. I am learning. My daughter has been teaching me which has been pretty funny!


The biggest thing going on with me is that I hurt my back at work last week. I am a nurse and my back is my bread and butter. I can't lose my back. It is what my livelihood is built upon. So, I am now dealing with pain, pain meds, heat, ice, chiropractors, orthopedics, and physical therapy. Oh, and the rolls and rolls of red tape called workers comp. I have my own orthopedic doctor and place that I was going to start PT (I had back surgery almost 5 years ago) My primary doctor had referred me to them on my last visit. Then I got hurt at work. The first appointment they can get me is Friday, March 2nd! So, I am basically stuck in the recliner until then. Out of work. Dependent on my wife. And in pain. Not a good place to be. I can't be treated anywhere until this appointment on the 2nd. I am sleeping in the recliner at night, which is not a great arrangement when you are a newlywed!


We are trying to start growing our family in the next few months so this is not somewhere I want to be. I am eight years older than my wife. I don't want to be falling apart before we even get started! I worry about being a burden on her. About her resenting me for needing so much help.


I just needed to vent. Have a pity party. I can't say a lot of this on Facebook because of the workers comp issue. I know I can say it here because I have no idea if many people even read this! And my name isn't here so I can just blog and blab away! That is very freeing! Besides, so many times just laying things out there helps others, or others help you. In that case, I would be glad to hear from anyone that has been through this. I know what I need to do. I just have GOT to do it. Exercise is going to be my saving grace for the rest of my life. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed. Maybe

Getting Healthy

J got the results of her blood work back today. No surprises found so that is good. Her liver panel was normal so she can start taking the Metformin. This helps to regulate her blood sugar. She has insulin resistance which is related to her PCOS. By getting her blood sugars in the normal range, this will increase her fertility. She is also closely watching what she eats. Just trying to eat an overall healthy diet. Low in bad carbs, eating the good ones, veggies, lean proteins, just an all around healthy way of eating. We are both trying to be mindful of what we are eating and making better choices. She has also returned to yoga which helps more than anything.


Our other baby is anxiously awaiting to hear back from the college she really wants. Talk about going from one extreme to another! We are really hoping that she gets into this college. I think it is truly the school for her. She will only be about an hour and a half away which is just perfect in my book. Not too far but far away enough to give her some independence.


We are excited about getting started on growing our family. Hopefully we will be able to start planning for her HSG sometime in June. That gives us 4 months to lose some pounds, regulate blood sugars, and start exercising consistently. All of which will increase fertility. Because I also have PCOS, I am also doing these same healthy lifestyle changes. Not to try to conceive but just to try to become a little healthier. Last week I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and won a brand spanking new blood sugar meter! Yep, I get to prick my fingers everyday, yay! My doctor has described it as " pre diabetes" this is all related to MY PCOS. So, yep we are really trying to make some big changes in our household. There is not a bad carb to be found in this house! (If I can just stop stealing the patient stash of graham crackers and peanut butter at work!)


We are excited to have a plan. Excited to get healthy together. Excited for one childs dreams to come true. Excited that we are becoming a family.

A Beginning

Today was our official start of our journey in TTC! I guess our real beginning was last week at our first visit to our RE. Today however was our first thing on our to do list from our Dr. J went in for all of her bloodwork. They are also checking her liver panel to see if she can go back on Metformin. Hopefully she will be able to. Because of her PCOS, this medication helps to regulate her blood sugar. This will increase her chances at fertility. She also needs to lose weight. Because of the PCOS, losing weight is difficult. Fertility however improves significantly with weight loss. So, we are back to our low carb, lean protein, fruits and vegetable way of life. She is really committed and so am I. We are doing it together. We both need to lose weight anyway. We now have a wonderful goal in mind!


The next thing on our list is a counseling session by a counselor that our Dr. is sending us to. This is something he does with everyone. Just another hoop to jump through. Hopefully we can try to convince her that we are a normal, run of the mill, average lesbian couple! :)


We plan on doing the dye study test (HSG) in about 3 months. Going to give her some time to start the Metformin, lose some weight, maybe do some fertility acupuncture, and then do the HSG. Once we do that we will know if the tubes are all clear and we can start the inseminations!


We are excited! Even if today was just drawing blood. It is something. We have a plan. We have a goal. We are optimistic. We are ready to add to our family.

A Change of Heart

Jennifer and I haven't always wanted children together. As a matter of fact we were ecstatically racing to the finish line! At this point we are so close we can read the writing on the finish line tape! My daughter Little C is 18 and will be going to college this fall. We had visions of beach resorts, tours of Europe, and drives along the Pacific Coast Highway dancing in our heads. We had plans for more home renovations after experiencing the magic of a huge kitchen/living/laundry room project this past fall. We had plans of no debt, doing whatever we wanted to do, being free!!


Then we got serious. We got married in October and J's grandmothers died within six weeks of each other. We started talking about the important things in life. I had already experienced the joys of motherhood. I had my first child, a son (who has not been discussed in this blog until now) when I was 21. My daughter was born when I was 23. I realize now what a baby I was. I had no clue. I came out to myself when I was 29. This year I will turn 42 in March. My son will be 21 this spring and my daughter turns 19 this summer. My son who I will refer to as Big C is currently not in my life right now. This is a very painful issue and one that I don't talk about very much. He is on drugs and living a very self destructive lifestyle. I am not able to watch him self destruct on a daily basis and so he is on his own to do that. He has had help offered to him many, many times. There has been therapy, treatment centers, and halfway houses in his life, to no avail. We have tried to help him. He has to help himself now. I pray for him every day. I hope that one day he is able to reach out and want to change. Wants to get better. I would not have been able to get through this dark road if it was not for J. She has been my rock. She literally carried me at times. My daughter little C has also helped. Mostly in ways that she doesn't even know about. Just having her in my life, being her mom, seeing her grow and mature, loving life has helped me heal. She is my girl. She has great friends, has never been in trouble, laughs, loves, and lives life abundantly! I will miss her terribly when she goes to college.


Back to me and J.....J has always told me that she did not want children. I was fine with that. I had two. I was done. Then we really started thinking and talking about what really mattered in life. I asked her if she was sure. Positively sure that she never wanted to have children. To make a long story short,it turns out that she was scared. Scared she could never conceive a child because of her PCOS like her doctor told her long ago. Scared that she could have a child turn out like my son. Basically, just scared. So, shortly after we got married we started having some really serious conversations. We decided to take a leap of faith. Is she still scared? Absolutely! I am proud to say that she is scared but doing it anyway. I am so proud of her.


J will make a great mom. I have told her this all along. I told her this years ago when we first met. Our friends have always been so surprised that she said she didn't want children because of how she was with their children. She is so loving and patient. She was a live in nanny for her nephew when he was born. She lived with her sister and her husband for the first year of his life. It was an experience that meant so much to her. Even today at 10 years old they have a very strong bond. She made an amazing difference on his life and continues to do so.


So, this is a new and exciting turn of events for us! One that we didn't think we would be taking. I had always left it up to her. She knew I could go either way. I had pretty much thought I was done with the little ones, but I am excited that we are going in a new direction! I am excited about the prospect of seeing her tummy grow with our little one. I am excited to think of her holding him or her for the first time. I am excited for all the new adventures this will bring.


I am thrilled and honored to go on this journey with her.

Trying Not to Judge My Judgement

Evidently all my life I have been assigning values to...well, everything.  It's either good or bad, and even among the good, there are levels from the "best" good to good that's, well, "not that good".  For example, in an effort to treat my body better, I have been eating vegetables, lean meats, lower fat dairy and healthy fats...so on this...mission of making better choices about my food (notice my intention not to use the word "diet"?) I have recognized that among those foods that are the best for me, I know that the "worst" good foods are nuts and peanut butter...so still, when I feel the need to overeat I go straight to the worst of the good (why can't I binge on celery?). C likes to remind me that peanut butter is not a meal!


I say all of that to say I am a self confessed "judger".  Not so much of other people. Don't get me wrong, I do have opinions, but you can ask my wife, I really don't give a flip what anyone else does in their life (that sentence may set a record for the most commas)! But I am a "judger" of all things in my own life.  I judge my thoughts, my actions, my lack of action, my intentions, my work, my interactions, my feelings...every aspect of me...is judged.


Turns out that's not the healthiest habit to have! Over the past two to three years I have been studying Mindfulness, Wise Mind, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Meditation and Yoga.  It all started in my therapy as an effort to decrease the frequency and severity of my anxiety attacks.  In therapy I was introduced to the idea of Mindfulness and Wise Mind.  Then I took an 8 week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.  At the end of that course, my wonderful wife (thank you sweet C) gave me a gift certificate to a yoga studio and I was hooked.  Now C and I are getting ready to start a new 12 week course on Mindful Eating.  All of these classes, courses, therapy sessions and yoga lessons have reinforced the main focus of Mindfulness. Simply be present. Noticing. Non-Striving. No Judgement.


Whoa.  This has blown my mind.  Its not what I am used to.  If you don't judge everything, how in the world do you know what's okay?  How do you know when you've been bad? How do you know if you have been good and deserve a reward?  This feels really vulnerable.  Can I trust myself in this world of non-judging?  I don't have a history of good decision making (wait, am I judging my decision making past?) so I am not sure how I feel about taking off all of the judgements that tell me what's "good" and what's "bad".  I am making an effort at this point to just acknowledge and notice my judgement.  It is so much a part of what I do that many times I don't realize I am doing it until the thought has passed, and at that point I usually jump straight to the thought "ugh, it is so bad that I thought that!!".  Yep, that's right, I judge my judging. So, like I said, I am trying to just notice what I am thinking and then just gently let it slip away.


I had a pretty serious anxiety issue that has massively improved.  Wise Mind techniques have allowed me to focus on the current moment and exactly what I am experiencing right now, rather than thinking all of the terrible possibilities that may arise.  That catastrophe thinking is the root of my anxiety.  The Mindfulness and meditation have allowed me to move in to a restful place at night with out my brain running away from me.  The yoga has given me confidence, calmness and a curiosity for testing my limits that has really made a huge difference in my every day life.  So, after all of those positive adjustments I am at the point where I can focus on the more subtle issue of recognizing what my brain is doing while I'm not actively engaged and directing my own thoughts!  The brain is a tricky organ, it is constantly going, whether we direct it or not, it is going.  The flow of those undirected thoughts have so much to do with what we believe about ourselves, how we perceive ourselves, and how we move forward with our lives.


I am imagining that if I stay more engaged with the moment, recognizing my thoughts, letting them resonate or slip away, allowing my focus to stay where I choose to channel my energy; then I will become a healthier, more loving, more compassionate and joyous person.  So, on Monday C and I will start the course on Mindful Eating. We will be specifically removing the judgement from foods, allowing them only to be what they are... choosing to partake in them if we desire and then recognizing how they make us feel, and from that data deciding if that is what we want for our body. We are apprehensive about this new attitude, but we know that it is what's best. Recognizing. Noticing. Allowing. Non-striving. No Judging.  And, if we do find ourselves judging, we will NOT pass judgement on our judging, after all, that would be bad!! HA! 

Information Overload

Today was a big day for us. We started our morning at the appointment with the RE and his PA. We talked through a rough timeline of the general steps infertility patients take on the TTC road. We start with blood tests to determine my kidney and liver function, titers for rubella and CMV, thyroid level, Cystic Fibrosis screen, glucose and insulin levels. Whew...that's a lot! Apparently at some point my liver function was a bit abnormal and the PA wants to be sure it has normalized before starting any meeds. If everything turns out well with the blood test I will start Metformin. Along the way C and I will be working towards a healthy weight, healthy physical body, calm mind and content spirit. We feel like cultivating these areas of our lives will impact our fertility, help us deal with the outcome of the IUI treatments (at this point I am scared to believe with any certainty that this whole process will end with a viable, healthy, full-term pregnancy)and move forward in life in a healthy way no matter where this journey ends.


We will also be seeing a counselor, as strongly suggested by the RE, to talk over donor sperm, insemination, what our plan is, where we are willing to go in this journey and at what point we are willing to call it quits. We both agree this is an important aspect of preparing for this process. The other task in this time period is deciding on a couple of donors. It isn't a process I feel totally comfortable with. I want this to be C's baby. Impossible, I know. But it is what I want and it makes me sad that we can't share it in the same way heterosexual couples do. We are going to be spending a lot of time together talking over and deciding on criteria for our donor.


Once we have gotten to a point where we are feeling good about my health (primarily my weight) and decide we are ready to try IUI in a month or so I will schedule a HSG. On the first day of my menstrual cycle I will call to schedule the HSG and it will take place after the bleeding has stopped but before I reach mid-cycle. It takes place at the hospital and I have read that it can be very painful, but our RE claims to perform the only painless HSG in the world! I hope he is right. This procedure will show him if there is any thing going on in my uterus or fallopian tubes that would prevent pregnancy. The PA said that while it is a diagnostic test to reveal problems it can also increase fertility because the dye flowing through your fallopian tubes has a "roto rooter effect" and primes them for pregnancy!


After the HSG we start fertility meds, monitoring and depending on the state of my poly-cystic ovaries they will decide when to try the first IUI. Pretty amazing. Amazing that I am even considering this option, amazing that I am being vulnerable enough to let C stand by me in this process, amazing that medical technology can allow infertile women to become mommys, amazing that there are men willing to offer there sperm to folks like C and myself, amazing...just amazing.

Big Appointment

So tomorrow at 9:00 is our appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) We will be learning all about the process. This will be a two hour appointment. I am really excited! I think J is as well but is afraid to get her hopes up. As I said before, she has PCOS. She takes Provera just so that she can have a period. We don't even know at this point if she ovulates. I dont think she is letting herself get excited quite yet. She has lived in fear of never having children all of her life. Years ago a doctor told her that she would never have children. She decided then to shut down that part of her heart and say adamantly that she didn't want children. It was easier to do that than to get her hopes up and have them crushed. It has only been recently that she has faced those fears, jumped out into the unknown and put her heart out there. I am so proud of her. We have no idea what the future holds. However, fear will not keep us from moving forward. We are going for it. Moving ahead in faith, hope, and love. We said from the begining that we would base our relationship on those three things. We will continue to do so.

Who We Are

I am C and have been married to J for three months. We have been together for three years. I have a daughter Little C who is not so little! She is 18 and will be leaving for college this year, which is a whole different post down the road! I am a hospice RN and work in an inpatient facility. I love my job, it is challenging and difficult at times but so rewarding. I am looking to go back to school at some point. I am just not sure when. My wife is J. She will be posting on this blog as well but I have a feeling that I will be the main blogger! We have a challenging schedule/life. I work second shift, from 4pm-12:30am. That means I get home around 1:30am most nights. J works normal hours, 8-5. This means that we don't see each other much during the week! I am off Sat, Sun, and Mon which helps make up for the craziness of my schedule!


Next week, on Wednesday January 11th we have our first TTC (trying to conceive) appointment. It is a two hour appointment with our doctor to see what we need to do to get the ball rolling. We expect there to be hurdles and obstacles. J has PCOS and has very irregular cycles. We have a lot of faith in our doctor though and he has gotten many lesbians pregnant in our town! One of those babies is our sweet niece Izzy!


We have really loved and have been inspired by reading some of the many blogs of other gay families. We feel encouraged and hopeful. We have started this blog so that we will have a story throughout this journey. One that will hopefully document the road to enlarging our family! It may also serve to inspire others someday. Whatever the outcome, we will have stories along the way. We hope to not only write about TTC here but also in becoming a family, our new marriage, the struggles and laughs along the way! We will also write about the craziness of living on the "compound" as we sometimes like to refer to our living situation! We live in a house that we bought from J's parents. It is fifty year old bungalow that we recently renovated, knocking down two walls and gutting the kitchen. We have other projects in the works. Most will probably have to wait awhile after the baby making! We live across the street from J's parents, two doors down from her sister and her family, and three houses down from her aunt. The church a mile down the road has been their family's church for the last 160 years. The church graveyard holds her grandparents, great-grandparents, and aunts, uncles, and cousins. Living this close to family has been bittersweet for us. I love the roots, the closeness, and sense of family here. It can however be difficult. Especially as an in-law! We have our ups and downs with it but mostly ups. We are very blessed to have such a wonderful family. Most of the time they do a wonderful job making me feel like part of the family. Other times it feels as though we are surrounded. Well, because we are!


We hope to learn along the way.To become more proficient about blogging. I love to write and am hoping that this blog will become a way to connect to others. To become an outlet for the stories of our life. I have a lot to learn about the design, pictures, etc. I am not the most computer savvy person but it will come. We are excited to start this thing! Hopefully others will enjoy reading it as well!