Never Saw It Coming

So.......


I wasn't going to write this post. I just thought it was too private here. However, only a few friends know of this blog and they also know what's going on. The rest of you are my private little community. It is wonderful to be able write without worries of judgement.


As I have shared on our blog, we were married 6 months ago. 10/01/11. It was the best day of my life. Our entire family were there as long as our closest friends. We worked so hard on our day. Planning it for two years. We came up with our vows together as well as the service. We truly wanted for it to be meaningful. We both cried throughout the entire ceremony. Then we celebrated the night away. We ate, drank, danced, and celebrated our love. Everyone continued to talk throughout the night about how it was the most perfect, beautiful wedding. It was purely the most magical night of my life. I had a fairy book life. I had everything i ever wanted.


 I am embarrassed, and heartbroken to write what I am writing now. On Sunday, my wife informed me that she was no longer in love with me.  I am devastated. She says that she is still committed to our relationship. But we are miserably living together. Surviving. Making small talk about the weather, TV shows, household needs. We will be seeing our therapist that we just started with tomorrow. I am not sure once your spouse tells you something like that, that you can recover.


I have cried all day the last two days. I can't eat, I feel like I am going to throw up all the time.I have been in bed all day today. Having a mini breakdown/ pity party! I just could not do TODAY, it was too much. It hit me. I may lose everything we have here  together as well as my wife. Today I cancelled all my plans and cried and slept. I needed that. At some point, I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I need to do. Just not today.


  You know what? I believed and meant every word of my vows. I have every intention of sticking to them. I believed in everything we dreamed of doing. I believed that the best was yet to be. I have been blinsided. I never saw this coming.


The hard thing is that I have so much to lose. We have a beautiful little bungalow, filled with natural sun light that spills onto the hardwood floors, that we bought together last year. We have two dogs that are like our children, I have a daughter that has a very special relationship with J. We have accounts together. Property together. I am just not ready to demantle what we have.  As strong of a person I am, I just feel that I can't do this. Not right now.


She is not my wife that I married, the woman I have know for four years. She treats me like a stranger now. Regardless of how she feels about me though, I am still madly in love with her. I told her I meant our vows. I am holding on tight to them and praying like crazy. I look at our wedding pictures and special things we have from that day around the house and it suffocates me with pain.


I never thought we'd be here. Sure we had issues to work through but we had a fight about a month ago and things have snowballed from there. I have tried to reach out to her. Extend the olive branch but she remains cold and distant. I don't know her right now though. She is not my wife that I married and have known for four years.


So, I decided to go and stay with some friends for awhile. They offered their guest room as soon as this happened. I just can't live like this anymore. Maybe being apart will help us to heal. Help us to mend some wrongs and things that has festered. We both say we want it to work and are willing to go to therapy. It's a little glimmer of hope. I am trying to stay positive, take care of myself. Somedays are better than others.


We shall see what happens. I have however, realized who my friends are. They have been amazing and got me through some days that I was surviving minute by minute. Hour by hour.


I will survive this. I don't want to though. This is OUR home, our dreams, our forever. I won't walk away unless she does. I will stand firm in my commitment.