Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Having It All

As I sit and write this it is 2:25am. I sit in this recliner. The one that has been my home for the past few weeks. I am surrounded by little tables with everything I need. Books, magazines, journals, lip gloss, back scratcher, reacher- grabby thingy, pill bottles, hand lotion, iPhone, pillows, heating pad, a book of devotionals, a mason jar full of pens and pencils, a coaster that rests my drink, a pair of slipper socks in case my feet get cold. I have my favorite blanket, a quilt that my mom made, totally by hand twenty four years ago. I really feel the warmth from it....so much so that it is falling apart at the seams. I have everything I need. I really do. It just doesn't feel like it. I'm struggling. Having a really hard time.


 My sweet baby girl who isn't a baby anymore sleeps in her room as I write this. She finished her senior project this week. Presented and done. She graduates in THREE months. But I swear to you now, as I write this, that I still remember, nights like these, sitting in another chair nursing that same little girl. The one with the feathery, wispy, blond hair. Dressed in jammies with feet,her little hand holding on so tight to my skin, to make sure I was still there. Not so long ago, I would sneak her quietly into her room, placing her in her crib, her body limp from the milk coma she was in. And then sneaking back out. Strategically zig-zagging across her floor to miss the creaks in the spots that I knew by heart were there. Hoping and praying that she would sleep two hours this time. She only believed in sleeping 2-3 hours at a time those first six months. Then she would wake again. And would always stay at the breast for an hour at a time, until we did it all again.


 I. can't. believe. she. is. all. grown. up. Where did the time with her go? Where do those hours and minutes dissolve into? People tell you that "they grow up so fast." I would nod at them, in a sleep deprived, zombie dazed kind of way. In that haze that most mothers with two small children have. I would tell you that I knew they grew up so fast. That I would surely savor every minute with my babies. That I would remember every minute. But I don't think I did. Because now its here....that moment that *they* tell you about. I'm just not ready yet. 


This baby girl of mine? The one who called me from school the other day....or actually it was a text and asked "do you REALLY want the cap and gown package?" YES!!!! I replied. I could literally see her rolling her eyes at her phone.


I hear her now from my chair, stirring in her sleep, moving around amongst the covers. She doesn't awake anymore like she used to. This girl can really sleep now.....10, 11, 12 hours sometimes. Then she gets up and moves through the world. I'm not needed anymore. She's got this.


And then moments like this happen....her best friend E asked her to spend the night the other night. " Call your mom," E told her.  Little C said no, that she needed to get home. She confided to me later, " I wanted to see you. I wanted to hang out with you tonight." REALLY? ME? YOUR UNCOOL MOM? I have to tell you that was really something! This girl of mine loves her friends, loves to be busy, loves to be where the action and fun is. I am so lucky though, she has never caused me an moment of trouble. Has never been in trouble at school or otherwise. She is a blessing. This was last week when my back had just gone out. After we sat and talked for a bit, as she was telling me goodnight and gathering her things from the day, she told me, "I'm going to leave my door cracked just in case you need anything tonight. Just call me. I will be able to hear you." WOW. Those of you with teenagers know how powerful that is. Because even though my wife was just in the next room, she wanted me to know that SHE was there too. This very small gesture meant the world to me.


So, I really DO have everything I need. Because right down the hall from that love is my wife. The one that married me just about five months ago. The one that I truly believe in my heart will do anything for me. For our family.


This post tonight was going to be about my sadness about my back. About how not ONE person that I work with has called me to check on me. About how none of the friends that I really thought were my friends, haven't reached out with a card or a phone call. Nothing. But I started writing about how I was sad. I had nothing. No friends from work....blah.blah.blah. Which just isn't true. Right here in this house I have everything. Everything I EVER wanted. Everything I ever dreamed of as I was growing up is here. And none of these things are objects, material possessions. What I have is love. Family. Home (which is much different than a house.)


 I also really do have good friends. (despite what my head likes to tell me sometimes.) Ones that know me and really do love me anyway. They may not be plentiful in numbers. I have just a few really good friends. The ones I have are the kind that I know if I needed to call them at two o'clock in the morning for any reason, I can. That is what matters. Not how many I have, but knowing that the ones I do have love me.



So to go back to the beginning, of this post, I do have it all. I really do.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Never Say Never!

I know a little more about my back situation than I did last week. It scares the shit out of me. Basically, my back is my livelihood. I am a nurse. My back has to withstand 12 hour shifts, pulling people up in bed (which is how I hurt my back) picking people up off the floor if they fall, leaning over patients for dressing changes and other procedures. Believe me, the back of a nurse must be strong. Mine is not. I saw the orthopedic doc on Friday. He looked at the x-rays they did at that visit and my old MRI. He saw arthritis and scar tissue. He also saw a disc that was 80% gone....and that was from an MRI that was two years ago. He went over my medications and was a little stunned. I take a LOT of meds and most of them are for my back! A few are narcotics. I take a long acting morphine that lasts for 12 hours. I take it twice a day. I STILL hurt! He said that I was way too young to be on that much medication and I agree! I either take the meds for a small amount of pain relief or don't take them and walk around in a fog. I am tired of it all. Last weekend I took the medications while J and I ran errands. The result was me looking like a stoner, nodding off during a haircut, and basically not being present in my life. Yesterday I decided was going to be different. I took the bare minimum of pain meds. We had a busy day and it ended with our monthly dinner group with 3 other couples. I wanted to enjoy the day, I wanted to remember the conversation. I wanted to be able to look people in the eyes instead of nodding off in mid sentence. I paid for it. See, I also wanted to sleep in bed next to my wife. I wanted to snuggle up to her, lock my feet into hers as we drift off to sleep. Listening to her breathing and slightly amusing snore. I love waking up together on Sunday mornings. So, instead of sleeping in the recliner where it is less painful to sleep, I slept in bed. With my wife. I woke up in tears. I hurt ALL night long. J said I moaned in my sleep, talked in my sleep and was restless all night. I had taken medication so I didn't wake up. I do however remember being in pain all night. I walked into the living room this morning, sat in the recliner and cried. I am so frustrated. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being dopey. Forgetful. Sedentary. I am just tired. I know other people are tired of hearing about it too! That is why I love this blog! I have only told a few people about it. Probably only 5-6 people that really know me in real life! If they don't want to read it they can scroll on through! The rest are from the internet. Maybe someone who has been through this too will read this. Maybe someone that understands. 


Anyway, back to the Dr. appointment. He pretty much says I need surgery. A back fusion. It is a pretty serious surgery. But, one that may change things for good. One that could help me finally get off these medications. My mother in law just had the same surgery last week and is doing great. Another close friend had it years ago. She was in physical therapy for six months but she is a very active, sporty person now. Both her and J's mom are not on pain medication. That intrigues me! If I could have a surgery, work my butt off in physical therapy, and get off all this medication, I would be thrilled! I have said for the last few years that I would NEVER have another back surgery. I am starting to rethink that! I go for another MRI soon (since this is workers comp I have no idea of the timing of anything!) then I go back for the results. If they say that surgery will help, I will have it done. I am actually getting to the place where I just want it done. If it could bring me relief, I'm ready to go!


Which leads me to the purpose of this blog.....TTC. I will be out of work for awhile. I don't even know if I will ever be able to do the kind of nursing I have always done. I may not be able to do patient care. Which makes me sad. We would have to see. To be on the safe side I will say that maybe I will be back to work in six months. I am getting workers comp right now but that is only 66% of my salary. It was going to be hard to do the whole TTC thing before this happened. Now it will be really difficult. I still think we should try. J has PCOS, we don't even know if she ovulates. We know this is going to be a long, hard road. We just didn't realize that we would also have my crap to deal with! Even if she got pregnant right away and I am still doing PT I think it would be fine. I just don't want my surgery to derail the growth of our family. Its just not fair to J. Who has by the way, been the best, compassionate, caring spouse ever. She does it in her own way, but she has been my rock. She is always a calm amongst a storm . This one has been no different. I am the overreacting, worrier, who has already decided the sky is falling and we're are all doomed! She is the perfect compliment to my hyper-glass empty-and it also has a crack in it world! She is calming, soothing, quiet, caring, we will get through this, even if we have to buy a new glass because yours is cracked kind of girl! She is awesome. She has not once mentioned my decrease in salary or her increase in responsibilities at home and financially. She just said what she always does. "It's going to be ok. We will get through this. Together."


I love that girl.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Back To Basics

Our beautiful daughter on our wedding day with our flower girl Izzy. I am so extremely proud of her!!!!!
When I started this blog I hoped that it would be so much more than just a baby or TTC blog. I wanted to be able to write about our lives. Our marriage. My big kids. Basically Life. Many people want to read about the little ones and how to get there. I know I do. But right now we are at a standstill with that until our HSG this spring. However, life goes on. Our blog is for me to document our life. The good. The bad. The ugly. Maybe someday we will look back and laugh at it all. I also have to admit that I really do enjoy reading just the mundane details of strangers lives. Just the ordinary stories of love, kids, marriage ups and downs. Makes me feel like we really are a normal family! Whatever normal is!


On a couple positive notes. Our daughter Little C got into college! She will be about 2 and1/2 hours away at a small, private liberal arts college. I am really in denial at this point. I am so excited for her to start this journey and all that the world has to offer out there. I am just not ready to let go of her that much. Making sure she gets up for school, eats, studies, managing her time. All of those things she will have to do herself. That. Is. So. Scary. To. Me. It just doesn't seem like she is old enough. It still seems like she was in elementary school last week. I truly am excited for her and all that the future holds! I just have keep reminding myself that this is what we work for as parents.....to set them free. Hoping that we have taught them while they have been ours during this time, everything they need to know. Trusting also that they figure out what they don't know. She is such a wonderful girl. I think she will do fine. Me? Not too sure! We still have time though and I am clinging to that with every minute I get to share with her.


I got an Macbook Pro this past weekend. This is so exciting. I have wanted a new laptop for so long. J has one for work, Little C has one for school. I had an iPad which I love but it was limiting in what it would let me do especially in blogging. I couldn't upload pictures and a few other things. It was limiting. This computer is awesome though! I don't really understand exactly how to use it. I am learning. My daughter has been teaching me which has been pretty funny!


The biggest thing going on with me is that I hurt my back at work last week. I am a nurse and my back is my bread and butter. I can't lose my back. It is what my livelihood is built upon. So, I am now dealing with pain, pain meds, heat, ice, chiropractors, orthopedics, and physical therapy. Oh, and the rolls and rolls of red tape called workers comp. I have my own orthopedic doctor and place that I was going to start PT (I had back surgery almost 5 years ago) My primary doctor had referred me to them on my last visit. Then I got hurt at work. The first appointment they can get me is Friday, March 2nd! So, I am basically stuck in the recliner until then. Out of work. Dependent on my wife. And in pain. Not a good place to be. I can't be treated anywhere until this appointment on the 2nd. I am sleeping in the recliner at night, which is not a great arrangement when you are a newlywed!


We are trying to start growing our family in the next few months so this is not somewhere I want to be. I am eight years older than my wife. I don't want to be falling apart before we even get started! I worry about being a burden on her. About her resenting me for needing so much help.


I just needed to vent. Have a pity party. I can't say a lot of this on Facebook because of the workers comp issue. I know I can say it here because I have no idea if many people even read this! And my name isn't here so I can just blog and blab away! That is very freeing! Besides, so many times just laying things out there helps others, or others help you. In that case, I would be glad to hear from anyone that has been through this. I know what I need to do. I just have GOT to do it. Exercise is going to be my saving grace for the rest of my life. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed. Maybe