Love, Grace, and Heartbreak

Things are still no better. In fact they may be worse. We agreed to a trial separation. I am now staying with very dear friends of ours that offered their home to me as long as I need it. They have a two year old whom I am very close to and love dearly. Her laughs and playtime have been such a great distraction to what is going on. I am so incredibly grateful for such wonderful friends for what they have done. When this first happened I felt so alone. I felt like I had nobody. J is very close to her family. Their homes and love surround her. My family lives about an hour and a half away. While I love them dearly and know that they love me, I am not very close to them. My friends however have shown their love abundantly. Most of the friends that J and I have are shared friends. I was really worried about this. I shouldn't have worried at all. Our friends have wrapped their love and friendship around me. Tightly. They have housed me, fed me, listened, talked. Mostly though, they have shown unconditional love. I am sure they are doing the same for J, as it should be.


I don't really know what the future brings. I have a couple of plans just in case. I guess you would call them plan b, c, d, and e. Actually I don't have that many plans in mind. Probably just a couple. As far as I know, J still feels the same. That she is not in love with me. To say that looking at my 7 month old wedding pictures, from what was supposed to be the best day in my life is devastating is an understatement. It is a crushing, terrifying, disbelieving ache. I never in my wildest dreams saw this coming. I never believed there would ever be anything that we couldn't work through. We had what I thought was the happiest, unbelievable wedding. People couldn't stop talking about it. We cried throughout the whole thing and tenderly wiped each others tears. We danced the night away on mango martinis and all our friends and family. It was truly the most wonderful day ever. Seven days later, on our honeymoon, we met with an officiant in Washington DC and made our marriage legal. 


That I sit here in a home that is not my own is a nightmare to me. While I am so, so thankful for my friends for sharing their home with me, I want MY home. I want to share this rainy Sunday with MY wife, in OUR home. The one we bought and renovated this summer. I pinch myself at times because this whole situation is like one of this horrible dreams you have where you dream that your spouse leaves you and you lose everything kind of dreams. We used to love days like this. Laying on the couch snuggling together, reading, watching bad TV, snacking. Instead I am here and she is there. And there may never be that again. That is the reality. 


As it stands, not many people know about this. My family does not know and only a handful of friends know. Nobody I work with knows. That is why this blog is so important to me. I am free to write. (not exactly what I thought I'd be writing about on a TTC blog...) Nobody really "knows" me here. This is where I can say I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm frustrated" I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm terrified. I'm heartbroken. I can also say here how incredibly grateful I am. I have very nice, comfortable room and bathroom. A quiet place to read, write, think, do yoga, sleep, heal. It is just what I need right now. And I am not alone. I am here with people that love me. They give me lots of space but surround me with support when I need it.


So, I thought I'd be writing about how heartbroken I am today. Make no mistake about it, I am. I feel the grace in my life that I have though. Through my friends. What my small family of friends have done is love me. They have kept me going when I didn't think I could, they have fed me numerous times, they have let me cry, they are housing me, telling me I can stay however long I need to. Who has that?? I didn't think that I did. I never thought my friends loved me this much. They do. I know it now.


So, I remain in limbo. With my marriage. With my living situation. I'm not living at home and my wife is still not in love with me. I will make it though. Today through love, I truly believe that.

Never Saw It Coming

So.......


I wasn't going to write this post. I just thought it was too private here. However, only a few friends know of this blog and they also know what's going on. The rest of you are my private little community. It is wonderful to be able write without worries of judgement.


As I have shared on our blog, we were married 6 months ago. 10/01/11. It was the best day of my life. Our entire family were there as long as our closest friends. We worked so hard on our day. Planning it for two years. We came up with our vows together as well as the service. We truly wanted for it to be meaningful. We both cried throughout the entire ceremony. Then we celebrated the night away. We ate, drank, danced, and celebrated our love. Everyone continued to talk throughout the night about how it was the most perfect, beautiful wedding. It was purely the most magical night of my life. I had a fairy book life. I had everything i ever wanted.


 I am embarrassed, and heartbroken to write what I am writing now. On Sunday, my wife informed me that she was no longer in love with me.  I am devastated. She says that she is still committed to our relationship. But we are miserably living together. Surviving. Making small talk about the weather, TV shows, household needs. We will be seeing our therapist that we just started with tomorrow. I am not sure once your spouse tells you something like that, that you can recover.


I have cried all day the last two days. I can't eat, I feel like I am going to throw up all the time.I have been in bed all day today. Having a mini breakdown/ pity party! I just could not do TODAY, it was too much. It hit me. I may lose everything we have here  together as well as my wife. Today I cancelled all my plans and cried and slept. I needed that. At some point, I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I need to do. Just not today.


  You know what? I believed and meant every word of my vows. I have every intention of sticking to them. I believed in everything we dreamed of doing. I believed that the best was yet to be. I have been blinsided. I never saw this coming.


The hard thing is that I have so much to lose. We have a beautiful little bungalow, filled with natural sun light that spills onto the hardwood floors, that we bought together last year. We have two dogs that are like our children, I have a daughter that has a very special relationship with J. We have accounts together. Property together. I am just not ready to demantle what we have.  As strong of a person I am, I just feel that I can't do this. Not right now.


She is not my wife that I married, the woman I have know for four years. She treats me like a stranger now. Regardless of how she feels about me though, I am still madly in love with her. I told her I meant our vows. I am holding on tight to them and praying like crazy. I look at our wedding pictures and special things we have from that day around the house and it suffocates me with pain.


I never thought we'd be here. Sure we had issues to work through but we had a fight about a month ago and things have snowballed from there. I have tried to reach out to her. Extend the olive branch but she remains cold and distant. I don't know her right now though. She is not my wife that I married and have known for four years.


So, I decided to go and stay with some friends for awhile. They offered their guest room as soon as this happened. I just can't live like this anymore. Maybe being apart will help us to heal. Help us to mend some wrongs and things that has festered. We both say we want it to work and are willing to go to therapy. It's a little glimmer of hope. I am trying to stay positive, take care of myself. Somedays are better than others.


We shall see what happens. I have however, realized who my friends are. They have been amazing and got me through some days that I was surviving minute by minute. Hour by hour.


I will survive this. I don't want to though. This is OUR home, our dreams, our forever. I won't walk away unless she does. I will stand firm in my commitment.