Love, Grace, and Heartbreak

Things are still no better. In fact they may be worse. We agreed to a trial separation. I am now staying with very dear friends of ours that offered their home to me as long as I need it. They have a two year old whom I am very close to and love dearly. Her laughs and playtime have been such a great distraction to what is going on. I am so incredibly grateful for such wonderful friends for what they have done. When this first happened I felt so alone. I felt like I had nobody. J is very close to her family. Their homes and love surround her. My family lives about an hour and a half away. While I love them dearly and know that they love me, I am not very close to them. My friends however have shown their love abundantly. Most of the friends that J and I have are shared friends. I was really worried about this. I shouldn't have worried at all. Our friends have wrapped their love and friendship around me. Tightly. They have housed me, fed me, listened, talked. Mostly though, they have shown unconditional love. I am sure they are doing the same for J, as it should be.


I don't really know what the future brings. I have a couple of plans just in case. I guess you would call them plan b, c, d, and e. Actually I don't have that many plans in mind. Probably just a couple. As far as I know, J still feels the same. That she is not in love with me. To say that looking at my 7 month old wedding pictures, from what was supposed to be the best day in my life is devastating is an understatement. It is a crushing, terrifying, disbelieving ache. I never in my wildest dreams saw this coming. I never believed there would ever be anything that we couldn't work through. We had what I thought was the happiest, unbelievable wedding. People couldn't stop talking about it. We cried throughout the whole thing and tenderly wiped each others tears. We danced the night away on mango martinis and all our friends and family. It was truly the most wonderful day ever. Seven days later, on our honeymoon, we met with an officiant in Washington DC and made our marriage legal. 


That I sit here in a home that is not my own is a nightmare to me. While I am so, so thankful for my friends for sharing their home with me, I want MY home. I want to share this rainy Sunday with MY wife, in OUR home. The one we bought and renovated this summer. I pinch myself at times because this whole situation is like one of this horrible dreams you have where you dream that your spouse leaves you and you lose everything kind of dreams. We used to love days like this. Laying on the couch snuggling together, reading, watching bad TV, snacking. Instead I am here and she is there. And there may never be that again. That is the reality. 


As it stands, not many people know about this. My family does not know and only a handful of friends know. Nobody I work with knows. That is why this blog is so important to me. I am free to write. (not exactly what I thought I'd be writing about on a TTC blog...) Nobody really "knows" me here. This is where I can say I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm frustrated" I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm terrified. I'm heartbroken. I can also say here how incredibly grateful I am. I have very nice, comfortable room and bathroom. A quiet place to read, write, think, do yoga, sleep, heal. It is just what I need right now. And I am not alone. I am here with people that love me. They give me lots of space but surround me with support when I need it.


So, I thought I'd be writing about how heartbroken I am today. Make no mistake about it, I am. I feel the grace in my life that I have though. Through my friends. What my small family of friends have done is love me. They have kept me going when I didn't think I could, they have fed me numerous times, they have let me cry, they are housing me, telling me I can stay however long I need to. Who has that?? I didn't think that I did. I never thought my friends loved me this much. They do. I know it now.


So, I remain in limbo. With my marriage. With my living situation. I'm not living at home and my wife is still not in love with me. I will make it though. Today through love, I truly believe that.

Having It All

As I sit and write this it is 2:25am. I sit in this recliner. The one that has been my home for the past few weeks. I am surrounded by little tables with everything I need. Books, magazines, journals, lip gloss, back scratcher, reacher- grabby thingy, pill bottles, hand lotion, iPhone, pillows, heating pad, a book of devotionals, a mason jar full of pens and pencils, a coaster that rests my drink, a pair of slipper socks in case my feet get cold. I have my favorite blanket, a quilt that my mom made, totally by hand twenty four years ago. I really feel the warmth from it....so much so that it is falling apart at the seams. I have everything I need. I really do. It just doesn't feel like it. I'm struggling. Having a really hard time.


 My sweet baby girl who isn't a baby anymore sleeps in her room as I write this. She finished her senior project this week. Presented and done. She graduates in THREE months. But I swear to you now, as I write this, that I still remember, nights like these, sitting in another chair nursing that same little girl. The one with the feathery, wispy, blond hair. Dressed in jammies with feet,her little hand holding on so tight to my skin, to make sure I was still there. Not so long ago, I would sneak her quietly into her room, placing her in her crib, her body limp from the milk coma she was in. And then sneaking back out. Strategically zig-zagging across her floor to miss the creaks in the spots that I knew by heart were there. Hoping and praying that she would sleep two hours this time. She only believed in sleeping 2-3 hours at a time those first six months. Then she would wake again. And would always stay at the breast for an hour at a time, until we did it all again.


 I. can't. believe. she. is. all. grown. up. Where did the time with her go? Where do those hours and minutes dissolve into? People tell you that "they grow up so fast." I would nod at them, in a sleep deprived, zombie dazed kind of way. In that haze that most mothers with two small children have. I would tell you that I knew they grew up so fast. That I would surely savor every minute with my babies. That I would remember every minute. But I don't think I did. Because now its here....that moment that *they* tell you about. I'm just not ready yet. 


This baby girl of mine? The one who called me from school the other day....or actually it was a text and asked "do you REALLY want the cap and gown package?" YES!!!! I replied. I could literally see her rolling her eyes at her phone.


I hear her now from my chair, stirring in her sleep, moving around amongst the covers. She doesn't awake anymore like she used to. This girl can really sleep now.....10, 11, 12 hours sometimes. Then she gets up and moves through the world. I'm not needed anymore. She's got this.


And then moments like this happen....her best friend E asked her to spend the night the other night. " Call your mom," E told her.  Little C said no, that she needed to get home. She confided to me later, " I wanted to see you. I wanted to hang out with you tonight." REALLY? ME? YOUR UNCOOL MOM? I have to tell you that was really something! This girl of mine loves her friends, loves to be busy, loves to be where the action and fun is. I am so lucky though, she has never caused me an moment of trouble. Has never been in trouble at school or otherwise. She is a blessing. This was last week when my back had just gone out. After we sat and talked for a bit, as she was telling me goodnight and gathering her things from the day, she told me, "I'm going to leave my door cracked just in case you need anything tonight. Just call me. I will be able to hear you." WOW. Those of you with teenagers know how powerful that is. Because even though my wife was just in the next room, she wanted me to know that SHE was there too. This very small gesture meant the world to me.


So, I really DO have everything I need. Because right down the hall from that love is my wife. The one that married me just about five months ago. The one that I truly believe in my heart will do anything for me. For our family.


This post tonight was going to be about my sadness about my back. About how not ONE person that I work with has called me to check on me. About how none of the friends that I really thought were my friends, haven't reached out with a card or a phone call. Nothing. But I started writing about how I was sad. I had nothing. No friends from work....blah.blah.blah. Which just isn't true. Right here in this house I have everything. Everything I EVER wanted. Everything I ever dreamed of as I was growing up is here. And none of these things are objects, material possessions. What I have is love. Family. Home (which is much different than a house.)


 I also really do have good friends. (despite what my head likes to tell me sometimes.) Ones that know me and really do love me anyway. They may not be plentiful in numbers. I have just a few really good friends. The ones I have are the kind that I know if I needed to call them at two o'clock in the morning for any reason, I can. That is what matters. Not how many I have, but knowing that the ones I do have love me.



So to go back to the beginning, of this post, I do have it all. I really do.