All That Really Matters

I have a confession to make. I LOVE reading blogs. I read them like I would read a book. Sometimes I read them all the way through from finish to start. It's not so much a nosiness. I just find other people's lives fascinating! Especially when they are so similar to mine. I don't have hundreds of same sex newlyweds/families in my neighborhood. I can pretty much say there are none where we live now. I can get online though and there are HUNDREDS of families like ours. Of course most of them are scattered all around the country and Canada! It is so nice to turn on the computer and all of a sudden I am surrounded by people like me. Most of you are engaged in the homosexual agenda pointed out by politicians and evangelical organizations, as am I. I am sure that your homosexual agenda is somewhat like mine: paying the mortgage, doing homework with kids, housework, doing the laundry, cooking dinner, paying bills.....really deviant stuff. and the worst of all, settling down, getting married, and *gasp* having children!


 Most of the blogs I read these days are family and children oriented. It seems that now there are more GLBT families having children. And writing about it. Since I have started reading these blogs and we have started the very early process of TTC, I've noticed some anxiety. I seem to go right for the TTC timeline when I find a new blog. This is usually, for those of you not familiar with this term the "Trying To Conceive Timeline" These usually read as pretty depressing and discouraging. To me anyway. They start with dates at the beginning and it usually goes through all the dates, in order, of all procedures, IUI and IVF attempts. It also includes surgeries, procedures that have been needed to increase fertility. I have recently started becoming really discouraged by these and all the years of posts. It seems that there is a long road ahead of us! I don't want to stop reading these because I love the community that is developed. But sometimes when I look at the start to when a couple actually has a baby, it is a two-three year span. When I factor in J's PCOS and the fact that she has to take medication just to have a period it seems like this may be really hard. She says she only wants to do six IUI's. Then reevaluate. I just wonder if we are setting ourselves up for a lot of heartache and financial strain.


Don't get me wrong, I was really thrilled that J changed her mind and decided that she really did want to try to get pregnant. I am so proud of her for really digging down to see that fear was really keeping her from becoming a mother. Fear and anxiety have been issues that she had for a long time. So for her to decide that she really did want children was amazing. Part of my problem is that I read to much. I read all about everything against us. In print and online. I read about the years and years of heartache, procedures, stress. Even the foster parents, adoption stories are heartbreaking. It makes me nervous, and anxious about the whole process. Most of you know I have two children already. I am forty two. J is thirty four. She has never had the joy of becoming a mother. I worry for her that she may be heartbroken. I worry that we may both get our hopes up and it won't happen. 


So for now, I try not to read anymore timelines. I try to stay positive. I truly believe if we are meant to be parents of more children it will happen. I believe that the power of positive thinking is important. It is something I struggle with. I tend to be a worrier. I am working on that. I am working on believing that if we stay positive, believing that we can do this. It will happen.


The most important thing I believe is that I love J with all my heart. I know that whatever happens we will be happy together. That we are a family.  We have such a wonderful extended family all around us. It gets us through. We are literally surrounded by family. My in laws are across the street (they have an amazing pool and we pretty much live outside around it all summer.) and J's sister and family are two doors down. Her great aunt is another two doors away.  My family lives about and hour and a half away. We get our two nephews (one is mine and one is hers, they are literally city mouse and country mouse, so getting them together is hilarious!) together to spend weekends with us quite often.  We frequently get both of our families together for meals, cookouts, swimming, holidays and birthdays. We are so blessed that both of our families support us and get along really well. Our moms actually get together on their own and go to lunch! As someone who has never lived near family before and moved around a lot as a child, it is awesome to have this family and community that surrounds us. 


I have come to realize, this is all that really matters.

Never Say Never!

I know a little more about my back situation than I did last week. It scares the shit out of me. Basically, my back is my livelihood. I am a nurse. My back has to withstand 12 hour shifts, pulling people up in bed (which is how I hurt my back) picking people up off the floor if they fall, leaning over patients for dressing changes and other procedures. Believe me, the back of a nurse must be strong. Mine is not. I saw the orthopedic doc on Friday. He looked at the x-rays they did at that visit and my old MRI. He saw arthritis and scar tissue. He also saw a disc that was 80% gone....and that was from an MRI that was two years ago. He went over my medications and was a little stunned. I take a LOT of meds and most of them are for my back! A few are narcotics. I take a long acting morphine that lasts for 12 hours. I take it twice a day. I STILL hurt! He said that I was way too young to be on that much medication and I agree! I either take the meds for a small amount of pain relief or don't take them and walk around in a fog. I am tired of it all. Last weekend I took the medications while J and I ran errands. The result was me looking like a stoner, nodding off during a haircut, and basically not being present in my life. Yesterday I decided was going to be different. I took the bare minimum of pain meds. We had a busy day and it ended with our monthly dinner group with 3 other couples. I wanted to enjoy the day, I wanted to remember the conversation. I wanted to be able to look people in the eyes instead of nodding off in mid sentence. I paid for it. See, I also wanted to sleep in bed next to my wife. I wanted to snuggle up to her, lock my feet into hers as we drift off to sleep. Listening to her breathing and slightly amusing snore. I love waking up together on Sunday mornings. So, instead of sleeping in the recliner where it is less painful to sleep, I slept in bed. With my wife. I woke up in tears. I hurt ALL night long. J said I moaned in my sleep, talked in my sleep and was restless all night. I had taken medication so I didn't wake up. I do however remember being in pain all night. I walked into the living room this morning, sat in the recliner and cried. I am so frustrated. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being dopey. Forgetful. Sedentary. I am just tired. I know other people are tired of hearing about it too! That is why I love this blog! I have only told a few people about it. Probably only 5-6 people that really know me in real life! If they don't want to read it they can scroll on through! The rest are from the internet. Maybe someone who has been through this too will read this. Maybe someone that understands. 


Anyway, back to the Dr. appointment. He pretty much says I need surgery. A back fusion. It is a pretty serious surgery. But, one that may change things for good. One that could help me finally get off these medications. My mother in law just had the same surgery last week and is doing great. Another close friend had it years ago. She was in physical therapy for six months but she is a very active, sporty person now. Both her and J's mom are not on pain medication. That intrigues me! If I could have a surgery, work my butt off in physical therapy, and get off all this medication, I would be thrilled! I have said for the last few years that I would NEVER have another back surgery. I am starting to rethink that! I go for another MRI soon (since this is workers comp I have no idea of the timing of anything!) then I go back for the results. If they say that surgery will help, I will have it done. I am actually getting to the place where I just want it done. If it could bring me relief, I'm ready to go!


Which leads me to the purpose of this blog.....TTC. I will be out of work for awhile. I don't even know if I will ever be able to do the kind of nursing I have always done. I may not be able to do patient care. Which makes me sad. We would have to see. To be on the safe side I will say that maybe I will be back to work in six months. I am getting workers comp right now but that is only 66% of my salary. It was going to be hard to do the whole TTC thing before this happened. Now it will be really difficult. I still think we should try. J has PCOS, we don't even know if she ovulates. We know this is going to be a long, hard road. We just didn't realize that we would also have my crap to deal with! Even if she got pregnant right away and I am still doing PT I think it would be fine. I just don't want my surgery to derail the growth of our family. Its just not fair to J. Who has by the way, been the best, compassionate, caring spouse ever. She does it in her own way, but she has been my rock. She is always a calm amongst a storm . This one has been no different. I am the overreacting, worrier, who has already decided the sky is falling and we're are all doomed! She is the perfect compliment to my hyper-glass empty-and it also has a crack in it world! She is calming, soothing, quiet, caring, we will get through this, even if we have to buy a new glass because yours is cracked kind of girl! She is awesome. She has not once mentioned my decrease in salary or her increase in responsibilities at home and financially. She just said what she always does. "It's going to be ok. We will get through this. Together."


I love that girl.

Back To Basics

Our beautiful daughter on our wedding day with our flower girl Izzy. I am so extremely proud of her!!!!!

When I started this blog I hoped that it would be so much more than just a baby or TTC blog. I wanted to be able to write about our lives. Our marriage. My big kids. Basically Life. Many people want to read about the little ones and how to get there. I know I do. But right now we are at a standstill with that until our HSG this spring. However, life goes on. Our blog is for me to document our life. The good. The bad. The ugly. Maybe someday we will look back and laugh at it all. I also have to admit that I really do enjoy reading just the mundane details of strangers lives. Just the ordinary stories of love, kids, marriage ups and downs. Makes me feel like we really are a normal family! Whatever normal is!


On a couple positive notes. Our daughter Little C got into college! She will be about 2 and1/2 hours away at a small, private liberal arts college. I am really in denial at this point. I am so excited for her to start this journey and all that the world has to offer out there. I am just not ready to let go of her that much. Making sure she gets up for school, eats, studies, managing her time. All of those things she will have to do herself. That. Is. So. Scary. To. Me. It just doesn't seem like she is old enough. It still seems like she was in elementary school last week. I truly am excited for her and all that the future holds! I just have keep reminding myself that this is what we work for as parents.....to set them free. Hoping that we have taught them while they have been ours during this time, everything they need to know. Trusting also that they figure out what they don't know. She is such a wonderful girl. I think she will do fine. Me? Not too sure! We still have time though and I am clinging to that with every minute I get to share with her.


I got an Macbook Pro this past weekend. This is so exciting. I have wanted a new laptop for so long. J has one for work, Little C has one for school. I had an iPad which I love but it was limiting in what it would let me do especially in blogging. I couldn't upload pictures and a few other things. It was limiting. This computer is awesome though! I don't really understand exactly how to use it. I am learning. My daughter has been teaching me which has been pretty funny!


The biggest thing going on with me is that I hurt my back at work last week. I am a nurse and my back is my bread and butter. I can't lose my back. It is what my livelihood is built upon. So, I am now dealing with pain, pain meds, heat, ice, chiropractors, orthopedics, and physical therapy. Oh, and the rolls and rolls of red tape called workers comp. I have my own orthopedic doctor and place that I was going to start PT (I had back surgery almost 5 years ago) My primary doctor had referred me to them on my last visit. Then I got hurt at work. The first appointment they can get me is Friday, March 2nd! So, I am basically stuck in the recliner until then. Out of work. Dependent on my wife. And in pain. Not a good place to be. I can't be treated anywhere until this appointment on the 2nd. I am sleeping in the recliner at night, which is not a great arrangement when you are a newlywed!


We are trying to start growing our family in the next few months so this is not somewhere I want to be. I am eight years older than my wife. I don't want to be falling apart before we even get started! I worry about being a burden on her. About her resenting me for needing so much help.


I just needed to vent. Have a pity party. I can't say a lot of this on Facebook because of the workers comp issue. I know I can say it here because I have no idea if many people even read this! And my name isn't here so I can just blog and blab away! That is very freeing! Besides, so many times just laying things out there helps others, or others help you. In that case, I would be glad to hear from anyone that has been through this. I know what I need to do. I just have GOT to do it. Exercise is going to be my saving grace for the rest of my life. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed. Maybe

Getting Healthy

J got the results of her blood work back today. No surprises found so that is good. Her liver panel was normal so she can start taking the Metformin. This helps to regulate her blood sugar. She has insulin resistance which is related to her PCOS. By getting her blood sugars in the normal range, this will increase her fertility. She is also closely watching what she eats. Just trying to eat an overall healthy diet. Low in bad carbs, eating the good ones, veggies, lean proteins, just an all around healthy way of eating. We are both trying to be mindful of what we are eating and making better choices. She has also returned to yoga which helps more than anything.


Our other baby is anxiously awaiting to hear back from the college she really wants. Talk about going from one extreme to another! We are really hoping that she gets into this college. I think it is truly the school for her. She will only be about an hour and a half away which is just perfect in my book. Not too far but far away enough to give her some independence.


We are excited about getting started on growing our family. Hopefully we will be able to start planning for her HSG sometime in June. That gives us 4 months to lose some pounds, regulate blood sugars, and start exercising consistently. All of which will increase fertility. Because I also have PCOS, I am also doing these same healthy lifestyle changes. Not to try to conceive but just to try to become a little healthier. Last week I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and won a brand spanking new blood sugar meter! Yep, I get to prick my fingers everyday, yay! My doctor has described it as " pre diabetes" this is all related to MY PCOS. So, yep we are really trying to make some big changes in our household. There is not a bad carb to be found in this house! (If I can just stop stealing the patient stash of graham crackers and peanut butter at work!)


We are excited to have a plan. Excited to get healthy together. Excited for one childs dreams to come true. Excited that we are becoming a family.

A Change of Heart

Jennifer and I haven't always wanted children together. As a matter of fact we were ecstatically racing to the finish line! At this point we are so close we can read the writing on the finish line tape! My daughter Little C is 18 and will be going to college this fall. We had visions of beach resorts, tours of Europe, and drives along the Pacific Coast Highway dancing in our heads. We had plans for more home renovations after experiencing the magic of a huge kitchen/living/laundry room project this past fall. We had plans of no debt, doing whatever we wanted to do, being free!!


Then we got serious. We got married in October and J's grandmothers died within six weeks of each other. We started talking about the important things in life. I had already experienced the joys of motherhood. I had my first child, a son (who has not been discussed in this blog until now) when I was 21. My daughter was born when I was 23. I realize now what a baby I was. I had no clue. I came out to myself when I was 29. This year I will turn 42 in March. My son will be 21 this spring and my daughter turns 19 this summer. My son who I will refer to as Big C is currently not in my life right now. This is a very painful issue and one that I don't talk about very much. He is on drugs and living a very self destructive lifestyle. I am not able to watch him self destruct on a daily basis and so he is on his own to do that. He has had help offered to him many, many times. There has been therapy, treatment centers, and halfway houses in his life, to no avail. We have tried to help him. He has to help himself now. I pray for him every day. I hope that one day he is able to reach out and want to change. Wants to get better. I would not have been able to get through this dark road if it was not for J. She has been my rock. She literally carried me at times. My daughter little C has also helped. Mostly in ways that she doesn't even know about. Just having her in my life, being her mom, seeing her grow and mature, loving life has helped me heal. She is my girl. She has great friends, has never been in trouble, laughs, loves, and lives life abundantly! I will miss her terribly when she goes to college.


Back to me and J.....J has always told me that she did not want children. I was fine with that. I had two. I was done. Then we really started thinking and talking about what really mattered in life. I asked her if she was sure. Positively sure that she never wanted to have children. To make a long story short,it turns out that she was scared. Scared she could never conceive a child because of her PCOS like her doctor told her long ago. Scared that she could have a child turn out like my son. Basically, just scared. So, shortly after we got married we started having some really serious conversations. We decided to take a leap of faith. Is she still scared? Absolutely! I am proud to say that she is scared but doing it anyway. I am so proud of her.


J will make a great mom. I have told her this all along. I told her this years ago when we first met. Our friends have always been so surprised that she said she didn't want children because of how she was with their children. She is so loving and patient. She was a live in nanny for her nephew when he was born. She lived with her sister and her husband for the first year of his life. It was an experience that meant so much to her. Even today at 10 years old they have a very strong bond. She made an amazing difference on his life and continues to do so.


So, this is a new and exciting turn of events for us! One that we didn't think we would be taking. I had always left it up to her. She knew I could go either way. I had pretty much thought I was done with the little ones, but I am excited that we are going in a new direction! I am excited about the prospect of seeing her tummy grow with our little one. I am excited to think of her holding him or her for the first time. I am excited for all the new adventures this will bring.


I am thrilled and honored to go on this journey with her.

Information Overload

Today was a big day for us. We started our morning at the appointment with the RE and his PA. We talked through a rough timeline of the general steps infertility patients take on the TTC road. We start with blood tests to determine my kidney and liver function, titers for rubella and CMV, thyroid level, Cystic Fibrosis screen, glucose and insulin levels. Whew...that's a lot! Apparently at some point my liver function was a bit abnormal and the PA wants to be sure it has normalized before starting any meeds. If everything turns out well with the blood test I will start Metformin. Along the way C and I will be working towards a healthy weight, healthy physical body, calm mind and content spirit. We feel like cultivating these areas of our lives will impact our fertility, help us deal with the outcome of the IUI treatments (at this point I am scared to believe with any certainty that this whole process will end with a viable, healthy, full-term pregnancy)and move forward in life in a healthy way no matter where this journey ends.


We will also be seeing a counselor, as strongly suggested by the RE, to talk over donor sperm, insemination, what our plan is, where we are willing to go in this journey and at what point we are willing to call it quits. We both agree this is an important aspect of preparing for this process. The other task in this time period is deciding on a couple of donors. It isn't a process I feel totally comfortable with. I want this to be C's baby. Impossible, I know. But it is what I want and it makes me sad that we can't share it in the same way heterosexual couples do. We are going to be spending a lot of time together talking over and deciding on criteria for our donor.


Once we have gotten to a point where we are feeling good about my health (primarily my weight) and decide we are ready to try IUI in a month or so I will schedule a HSG. On the first day of my menstrual cycle I will call to schedule the HSG and it will take place after the bleeding has stopped but before I reach mid-cycle. It takes place at the hospital and I have read that it can be very painful, but our RE claims to perform the only painless HSG in the world! I hope he is right. This procedure will show him if there is any thing going on in my uterus or fallopian tubes that would prevent pregnancy. The PA said that while it is a diagnostic test to reveal problems it can also increase fertility because the dye flowing through your fallopian tubes has a "roto rooter effect" and primes them for pregnancy!


After the HSG we start fertility meds, monitoring and depending on the state of my poly-cystic ovaries they will decide when to try the first IUI. Pretty amazing. Amazing that I am even considering this option, amazing that I am being vulnerable enough to let C stand by me in this process, amazing that medical technology can allow infertile women to become mommys, amazing that there are men willing to offer there sperm to folks like C and myself, amazing...just amazing.

Who We Are

I am C and have been married to J for three months. We have been together for three years. I have a daughter Little C who is not so little! She is 18 and will be leaving for college this year, which is a whole different post down the road! I am a hospice RN and work in an inpatient facility. I love my job, it is challenging and difficult at times but so rewarding. I am looking to go back to school at some point. I am just not sure when. My wife is J. She will be posting on this blog as well but I have a feeling that I will be the main blogger! We have a challenging schedule/life. I work second shift, from 4pm-12:30am. That means I get home around 1:30am most nights. J works normal hours, 8-5. This means that we don't see each other much during the week! I am off Sat, Sun, and Mon which helps make up for the craziness of my schedule!


Next week, on Wednesday January 11th we have our first TTC (trying to conceive) appointment. It is a two hour appointment with our doctor to see what we need to do to get the ball rolling. We expect there to be hurdles and obstacles. J has PCOS and has very irregular cycles. We have a lot of faith in our doctor though and he has gotten many lesbians pregnant in our town! One of those babies is our sweet niece Izzy!


We have really loved and have been inspired by reading some of the many blogs of other gay families. We feel encouraged and hopeful. We have started this blog so that we will have a story throughout this journey. One that will hopefully document the road to enlarging our family! It may also serve to inspire others someday. Whatever the outcome, we will have stories along the way. We hope to not only write about TTC here but also in becoming a family, our new marriage, the struggles and laughs along the way! We will also write about the craziness of living on the "compound" as we sometimes like to refer to our living situation! We live in a house that we bought from J's parents. It is fifty year old bungalow that we recently renovated, knocking down two walls and gutting the kitchen. We have other projects in the works. Most will probably have to wait awhile after the baby making! We live across the street from J's parents, two doors down from her sister and her family, and three houses down from her aunt. The church a mile down the road has been their family's church for the last 160 years. The church graveyard holds her grandparents, great-grandparents, and aunts, uncles, and cousins. Living this close to family has been bittersweet for us. I love the roots, the closeness, and sense of family here. It can however be difficult. Especially as an in-law! We have our ups and downs with it but mostly ups. We are very blessed to have such a wonderful family. Most of the time they do a wonderful job making me feel like part of the family. Other times it feels as though we are surrounded. Well, because we are!


We hope to learn along the way.To become more proficient about blogging. I love to write and am hoping that this blog will become a way to connect to others. To become an outlet for the stories of our life. I have a lot to learn about the design, pictures, etc. I am not the most computer savvy person but it will come. We are excited to start this thing! Hopefully others will enjoy reading it as well!