Having It All

As I sit and write this it is 2:25am. I sit in this recliner. The one that has been my home for the past few weeks. I am surrounded by little tables with everything I need. Books, magazines, journals, lip gloss, back scratcher, reacher- grabby thingy, pill bottles, hand lotion, iPhone, pillows, heating pad, a book of devotionals, a mason jar full of pens and pencils, a coaster that rests my drink, a pair of slipper socks in case my feet get cold. I have my favorite blanket, a quilt that my mom made, totally by hand twenty four years ago. I really feel the warmth from it....so much so that it is falling apart at the seams. I have everything I need. I really do. It just doesn't feel like it. I'm struggling. Having a really hard time.


 My sweet baby girl who isn't a baby anymore sleeps in her room as I write this. She finished her senior project this week. Presented and done. She graduates in THREE months. But I swear to you now, as I write this, that I still remember, nights like these, sitting in another chair nursing that same little girl. The one with the feathery, wispy, blond hair. Dressed in jammies with feet,her little hand holding on so tight to my skin, to make sure I was still there. Not so long ago, I would sneak her quietly into her room, placing her in her crib, her body limp from the milk coma she was in. And then sneaking back out. Strategically zig-zagging across her floor to miss the creaks in the spots that I knew by heart were there. Hoping and praying that she would sleep two hours this time. She only believed in sleeping 2-3 hours at a time those first six months. Then she would wake again. And would always stay at the breast for an hour at a time, until we did it all again.


 I. can't. believe. she. is. all. grown. up. Where did the time with her go? Where do those hours and minutes dissolve into? People tell you that "they grow up so fast." I would nod at them, in a sleep deprived, zombie dazed kind of way. In that haze that most mothers with two small children have. I would tell you that I knew they grew up so fast. That I would surely savor every minute with my babies. That I would remember every minute. But I don't think I did. Because now its here....that moment that *they* tell you about. I'm just not ready yet. 


This baby girl of mine? The one who called me from school the other day....or actually it was a text and asked "do you REALLY want the cap and gown package?" YES!!!! I replied. I could literally see her rolling her eyes at her phone.


I hear her now from my chair, stirring in her sleep, moving around amongst the covers. She doesn't awake anymore like she used to. This girl can really sleep now.....10, 11, 12 hours sometimes. Then she gets up and moves through the world. I'm not needed anymore. She's got this.


And then moments like this happen....her best friend E asked her to spend the night the other night. " Call your mom," E told her.  Little C said no, that she needed to get home. She confided to me later, " I wanted to see you. I wanted to hang out with you tonight." REALLY? ME? YOUR UNCOOL MOM? I have to tell you that was really something! This girl of mine loves her friends, loves to be busy, loves to be where the action and fun is. I am so lucky though, she has never caused me an moment of trouble. Has never been in trouble at school or otherwise. She is a blessing. This was last week when my back had just gone out. After we sat and talked for a bit, as she was telling me goodnight and gathering her things from the day, she told me, "I'm going to leave my door cracked just in case you need anything tonight. Just call me. I will be able to hear you." WOW. Those of you with teenagers know how powerful that is. Because even though my wife was just in the next room, she wanted me to know that SHE was there too. This very small gesture meant the world to me.


So, I really DO have everything I need. Because right down the hall from that love is my wife. The one that married me just about five months ago. The one that I truly believe in my heart will do anything for me. For our family.


This post tonight was going to be about my sadness about my back. About how not ONE person that I work with has called me to check on me. About how none of the friends that I really thought were my friends, haven't reached out with a card or a phone call. Nothing. But I started writing about how I was sad. I had nothing. No friends from work....blah.blah.blah. Which just isn't true. Right here in this house I have everything. Everything I EVER wanted. Everything I ever dreamed of as I was growing up is here. And none of these things are objects, material possessions. What I have is love. Family. Home (which is much different than a house.)


 I also really do have good friends. (despite what my head likes to tell me sometimes.) Ones that know me and really do love me anyway. They may not be plentiful in numbers. I have just a few really good friends. The ones I have are the kind that I know if I needed to call them at two o'clock in the morning for any reason, I can. That is what matters. Not how many I have, but knowing that the ones I do have love me.



So to go back to the beginning, of this post, I do have it all. I really do.

A Change of Heart

Jennifer and I haven't always wanted children together. As a matter of fact we were ecstatically racing to the finish line! At this point we are so close we can read the writing on the finish line tape! My daughter Little C is 18 and will be going to college this fall. We had visions of beach resorts, tours of Europe, and drives along the Pacific Coast Highway dancing in our heads. We had plans for more home renovations after experiencing the magic of a huge kitchen/living/laundry room project this past fall. We had plans of no debt, doing whatever we wanted to do, being free!!


Then we got serious. We got married in October and J's grandmothers died within six weeks of each other. We started talking about the important things in life. I had already experienced the joys of motherhood. I had my first child, a son (who has not been discussed in this blog until now) when I was 21. My daughter was born when I was 23. I realize now what a baby I was. I had no clue. I came out to myself when I was 29. This year I will turn 42 in March. My son will be 21 this spring and my daughter turns 19 this summer. My son who I will refer to as Big C is currently not in my life right now. This is a very painful issue and one that I don't talk about very much. He is on drugs and living a very self destructive lifestyle. I am not able to watch him self destruct on a daily basis and so he is on his own to do that. He has had help offered to him many, many times. There has been therapy, treatment centers, and halfway houses in his life, to no avail. We have tried to help him. He has to help himself now. I pray for him every day. I hope that one day he is able to reach out and want to change. Wants to get better. I would not have been able to get through this dark road if it was not for J. She has been my rock. She literally carried me at times. My daughter little C has also helped. Mostly in ways that she doesn't even know about. Just having her in my life, being her mom, seeing her grow and mature, loving life has helped me heal. She is my girl. She has great friends, has never been in trouble, laughs, loves, and lives life abundantly! I will miss her terribly when she goes to college.


Back to me and J.....J has always told me that she did not want children. I was fine with that. I had two. I was done. Then we really started thinking and talking about what really mattered in life. I asked her if she was sure. Positively sure that she never wanted to have children. To make a long story short,it turns out that she was scared. Scared she could never conceive a child because of her PCOS like her doctor told her long ago. Scared that she could have a child turn out like my son. Basically, just scared. So, shortly after we got married we started having some really serious conversations. We decided to take a leap of faith. Is she still scared? Absolutely! I am proud to say that she is scared but doing it anyway. I am so proud of her.


J will make a great mom. I have told her this all along. I told her this years ago when we first met. Our friends have always been so surprised that she said she didn't want children because of how she was with their children. She is so loving and patient. She was a live in nanny for her nephew when he was born. She lived with her sister and her husband for the first year of his life. It was an experience that meant so much to her. Even today at 10 years old they have a very strong bond. She made an amazing difference on his life and continues to do so.


So, this is a new and exciting turn of events for us! One that we didn't think we would be taking. I had always left it up to her. She knew I could go either way. I had pretty much thought I was done with the little ones, but I am excited that we are going in a new direction! I am excited about the prospect of seeing her tummy grow with our little one. I am excited to think of her holding him or her for the first time. I am excited for all the new adventures this will bring.


I am thrilled and honored to go on this journey with her.