All That Really Matters

I have a confession to make. I LOVE reading blogs. I read them like I would read a book. Sometimes I read them all the way through from finish to start. It's not so much a nosiness. I just find other people's lives fascinating! Especially when they are so similar to mine. I don't have hundreds of same sex newlyweds/families in my neighborhood. I can pretty much say there are none where we live now. I can get online though and there are HUNDREDS of families like ours. Of course most of them are scattered all around the country and Canada! It is so nice to turn on the computer and all of a sudden I am surrounded by people like me. Most of you are engaged in the homosexual agenda pointed out by politicians and evangelical organizations, as am I. I am sure that your homosexual agenda is somewhat like mine: paying the mortgage, doing homework with kids, housework, doing the laundry, cooking dinner, paying bills.....really deviant stuff. and the worst of all, settling down, getting married, and *gasp* having children!


 Most of the blogs I read these days are family and children oriented. It seems that now there are more GLBT families having children. And writing about it. Since I have started reading these blogs and we have started the very early process of TTC, I've noticed some anxiety. I seem to go right for the TTC timeline when I find a new blog. This is usually, for those of you not familiar with this term the "Trying To Conceive Timeline" These usually read as pretty depressing and discouraging. To me anyway. They start with dates at the beginning and it usually goes through all the dates, in order, of all procedures, IUI and IVF attempts. It also includes surgeries, procedures that have been needed to increase fertility. I have recently started becoming really discouraged by these and all the years of posts. It seems that there is a long road ahead of us! I don't want to stop reading these because I love the community that is developed. But sometimes when I look at the start to when a couple actually has a baby, it is a two-three year span. When I factor in J's PCOS and the fact that she has to take medication just to have a period it seems like this may be really hard. She says she only wants to do six IUI's. Then reevaluate. I just wonder if we are setting ourselves up for a lot of heartache and financial strain.


Don't get me wrong, I was really thrilled that J changed her mind and decided that she really did want to try to get pregnant. I am so proud of her for really digging down to see that fear was really keeping her from becoming a mother. Fear and anxiety have been issues that she had for a long time. So for her to decide that she really did want children was amazing. Part of my problem is that I read to much. I read all about everything against us. In print and online. I read about the years and years of heartache, procedures, stress. Even the foster parents, adoption stories are heartbreaking. It makes me nervous, and anxious about the whole process. Most of you know I have two children already. I am forty two. J is thirty four. She has never had the joy of becoming a mother. I worry for her that she may be heartbroken. I worry that we may both get our hopes up and it won't happen. 


So for now, I try not to read anymore timelines. I try to stay positive. I truly believe if we are meant to be parents of more children it will happen. I believe that the power of positive thinking is important. It is something I struggle with. I tend to be a worrier. I am working on that. I am working on believing that if we stay positive, believing that we can do this. It will happen.


The most important thing I believe is that I love J with all my heart. I know that whatever happens we will be happy together. That we are a family.  We have such a wonderful extended family all around us. It gets us through. We are literally surrounded by family. My in laws are across the street (they have an amazing pool and we pretty much live outside around it all summer.) and J's sister and family are two doors down. Her great aunt is another two doors away.  My family lives about and hour and a half away. We get our two nephews (one is mine and one is hers, they are literally city mouse and country mouse, so getting them together is hilarious!) together to spend weekends with us quite often.  We frequently get both of our families together for meals, cookouts, swimming, holidays and birthdays. We are so blessed that both of our families support us and get along really well. Our moms actually get together on their own and go to lunch! As someone who has never lived near family before and moved around a lot as a child, it is awesome to have this family and community that surrounds us. 


I have come to realize, this is all that really matters.

Never Say Never!

I know a little more about my back situation than I did last week. It scares the shit out of me. Basically, my back is my livelihood. I am a nurse. My back has to withstand 12 hour shifts, pulling people up in bed (which is how I hurt my back) picking people up off the floor if they fall, leaning over patients for dressing changes and other procedures. Believe me, the back of a nurse must be strong. Mine is not. I saw the orthopedic doc on Friday. He looked at the x-rays they did at that visit and my old MRI. He saw arthritis and scar tissue. He also saw a disc that was 80% gone....and that was from an MRI that was two years ago. He went over my medications and was a little stunned. I take a LOT of meds and most of them are for my back! A few are narcotics. I take a long acting morphine that lasts for 12 hours. I take it twice a day. I STILL hurt! He said that I was way too young to be on that much medication and I agree! I either take the meds for a small amount of pain relief or don't take them and walk around in a fog. I am tired of it all. Last weekend I took the medications while J and I ran errands. The result was me looking like a stoner, nodding off during a haircut, and basically not being present in my life. Yesterday I decided was going to be different. I took the bare minimum of pain meds. We had a busy day and it ended with our monthly dinner group with 3 other couples. I wanted to enjoy the day, I wanted to remember the conversation. I wanted to be able to look people in the eyes instead of nodding off in mid sentence. I paid for it. See, I also wanted to sleep in bed next to my wife. I wanted to snuggle up to her, lock my feet into hers as we drift off to sleep. Listening to her breathing and slightly amusing snore. I love waking up together on Sunday mornings. So, instead of sleeping in the recliner where it is less painful to sleep, I slept in bed. With my wife. I woke up in tears. I hurt ALL night long. J said I moaned in my sleep, talked in my sleep and was restless all night. I had taken medication so I didn't wake up. I do however remember being in pain all night. I walked into the living room this morning, sat in the recliner and cried. I am so frustrated. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being dopey. Forgetful. Sedentary. I am just tired. I know other people are tired of hearing about it too! That is why I love this blog! I have only told a few people about it. Probably only 5-6 people that really know me in real life! If they don't want to read it they can scroll on through! The rest are from the internet. Maybe someone who has been through this too will read this. Maybe someone that understands. 


Anyway, back to the Dr. appointment. He pretty much says I need surgery. A back fusion. It is a pretty serious surgery. But, one that may change things for good. One that could help me finally get off these medications. My mother in law just had the same surgery last week and is doing great. Another close friend had it years ago. She was in physical therapy for six months but she is a very active, sporty person now. Both her and J's mom are not on pain medication. That intrigues me! If I could have a surgery, work my butt off in physical therapy, and get off all this medication, I would be thrilled! I have said for the last few years that I would NEVER have another back surgery. I am starting to rethink that! I go for another MRI soon (since this is workers comp I have no idea of the timing of anything!) then I go back for the results. If they say that surgery will help, I will have it done. I am actually getting to the place where I just want it done. If it could bring me relief, I'm ready to go!


Which leads me to the purpose of this blog.....TTC. I will be out of work for awhile. I don't even know if I will ever be able to do the kind of nursing I have always done. I may not be able to do patient care. Which makes me sad. We would have to see. To be on the safe side I will say that maybe I will be back to work in six months. I am getting workers comp right now but that is only 66% of my salary. It was going to be hard to do the whole TTC thing before this happened. Now it will be really difficult. I still think we should try. J has PCOS, we don't even know if she ovulates. We know this is going to be a long, hard road. We just didn't realize that we would also have my crap to deal with! Even if she got pregnant right away and I am still doing PT I think it would be fine. I just don't want my surgery to derail the growth of our family. Its just not fair to J. Who has by the way, been the best, compassionate, caring spouse ever. She does it in her own way, but she has been my rock. She is always a calm amongst a storm . This one has been no different. I am the overreacting, worrier, who has already decided the sky is falling and we're are all doomed! She is the perfect compliment to my hyper-glass empty-and it also has a crack in it world! She is calming, soothing, quiet, caring, we will get through this, even if we have to buy a new glass because yours is cracked kind of girl! She is awesome. She has not once mentioned my decrease in salary or her increase in responsibilities at home and financially. She just said what she always does. "It's going to be ok. We will get through this. Together."


I love that girl.

A Beginning

Today was our official start of our journey in TTC! I guess our real beginning was last week at our first visit to our RE. Today however was our first thing on our to do list from our Dr. J went in for all of her bloodwork. They are also checking her liver panel to see if she can go back on Metformin. Hopefully she will be able to. Because of her PCOS, this medication helps to regulate her blood sugar. This will increase her chances at fertility. She also needs to lose weight. Because of the PCOS, losing weight is difficult. Fertility however improves significantly with weight loss. So, we are back to our low carb, lean protein, fruits and vegetable way of life. She is really committed and so am I. We are doing it together. We both need to lose weight anyway. We now have a wonderful goal in mind!


The next thing on our list is a counseling session by a counselor that our Dr. is sending us to. This is something he does with everyone. Just another hoop to jump through. Hopefully we can try to convince her that we are a normal, run of the mill, average lesbian couple! :)


We plan on doing the dye study test (HSG) in about 3 months. Going to give her some time to start the Metformin, lose some weight, maybe do some fertility acupuncture, and then do the HSG. Once we do that we will know if the tubes are all clear and we can start the inseminations!


We are excited! Even if today was just drawing blood. It is something. We have a plan. We have a goal. We are optimistic. We are ready to add to our family.

Information Overload

Today was a big day for us. We started our morning at the appointment with the RE and his PA. We talked through a rough timeline of the general steps infertility patients take on the TTC road. We start with blood tests to determine my kidney and liver function, titers for rubella and CMV, thyroid level, Cystic Fibrosis screen, glucose and insulin levels. Whew...that's a lot! Apparently at some point my liver function was a bit abnormal and the PA wants to be sure it has normalized before starting any meeds. If everything turns out well with the blood test I will start Metformin. Along the way C and I will be working towards a healthy weight, healthy physical body, calm mind and content spirit. We feel like cultivating these areas of our lives will impact our fertility, help us deal with the outcome of the IUI treatments (at this point I am scared to believe with any certainty that this whole process will end with a viable, healthy, full-term pregnancy)and move forward in life in a healthy way no matter where this journey ends.


We will also be seeing a counselor, as strongly suggested by the RE, to talk over donor sperm, insemination, what our plan is, where we are willing to go in this journey and at what point we are willing to call it quits. We both agree this is an important aspect of preparing for this process. The other task in this time period is deciding on a couple of donors. It isn't a process I feel totally comfortable with. I want this to be C's baby. Impossible, I know. But it is what I want and it makes me sad that we can't share it in the same way heterosexual couples do. We are going to be spending a lot of time together talking over and deciding on criteria for our donor.


Once we have gotten to a point where we are feeling good about my health (primarily my weight) and decide we are ready to try IUI in a month or so I will schedule a HSG. On the first day of my menstrual cycle I will call to schedule the HSG and it will take place after the bleeding has stopped but before I reach mid-cycle. It takes place at the hospital and I have read that it can be very painful, but our RE claims to perform the only painless HSG in the world! I hope he is right. This procedure will show him if there is any thing going on in my uterus or fallopian tubes that would prevent pregnancy. The PA said that while it is a diagnostic test to reveal problems it can also increase fertility because the dye flowing through your fallopian tubes has a "roto rooter effect" and primes them for pregnancy!


After the HSG we start fertility meds, monitoring and depending on the state of my poly-cystic ovaries they will decide when to try the first IUI. Pretty amazing. Amazing that I am even considering this option, amazing that I am being vulnerable enough to let C stand by me in this process, amazing that medical technology can allow infertile women to become mommys, amazing that there are men willing to offer there sperm to folks like C and myself, amazing...just amazing.

Big Appointment

So tomorrow at 9:00 is our appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) We will be learning all about the process. This will be a two hour appointment. I am really excited! I think J is as well but is afraid to get her hopes up. As I said before, she has PCOS. She takes Provera just so that she can have a period. We don't even know at this point if she ovulates. I dont think she is letting herself get excited quite yet. She has lived in fear of never having children all of her life. Years ago a doctor told her that she would never have children. She decided then to shut down that part of her heart and say adamantly that she didn't want children. It was easier to do that than to get her hopes up and have them crushed. It has only been recently that she has faced those fears, jumped out into the unknown and put her heart out there. I am so proud of her. We have no idea what the future holds. However, fear will not keep us from moving forward. We are going for it. Moving ahead in faith, hope, and love. We said from the begining that we would base our relationship on those three things. We will continue to do so.

Who We Are

I am C and have been married to J for three months. We have been together for three years. I have a daughter Little C who is not so little! She is 18 and will be leaving for college this year, which is a whole different post down the road! I am a hospice RN and work in an inpatient facility. I love my job, it is challenging and difficult at times but so rewarding. I am looking to go back to school at some point. I am just not sure when. My wife is J. She will be posting on this blog as well but I have a feeling that I will be the main blogger! We have a challenging schedule/life. I work second shift, from 4pm-12:30am. That means I get home around 1:30am most nights. J works normal hours, 8-5. This means that we don't see each other much during the week! I am off Sat, Sun, and Mon which helps make up for the craziness of my schedule!


Next week, on Wednesday January 11th we have our first TTC (trying to conceive) appointment. It is a two hour appointment with our doctor to see what we need to do to get the ball rolling. We expect there to be hurdles and obstacles. J has PCOS and has very irregular cycles. We have a lot of faith in our doctor though and he has gotten many lesbians pregnant in our town! One of those babies is our sweet niece Izzy!


We have really loved and have been inspired by reading some of the many blogs of other gay families. We feel encouraged and hopeful. We have started this blog so that we will have a story throughout this journey. One that will hopefully document the road to enlarging our family! It may also serve to inspire others someday. Whatever the outcome, we will have stories along the way. We hope to not only write about TTC here but also in becoming a family, our new marriage, the struggles and laughs along the way! We will also write about the craziness of living on the "compound" as we sometimes like to refer to our living situation! We live in a house that we bought from J's parents. It is fifty year old bungalow that we recently renovated, knocking down two walls and gutting the kitchen. We have other projects in the works. Most will probably have to wait awhile after the baby making! We live across the street from J's parents, two doors down from her sister and her family, and three houses down from her aunt. The church a mile down the road has been their family's church for the last 160 years. The church graveyard holds her grandparents, great-grandparents, and aunts, uncles, and cousins. Living this close to family has been bittersweet for us. I love the roots, the closeness, and sense of family here. It can however be difficult. Especially as an in-law! We have our ups and downs with it but mostly ups. We are very blessed to have such a wonderful family. Most of the time they do a wonderful job making me feel like part of the family. Other times it feels as though we are surrounded. Well, because we are!


We hope to learn along the way.To become more proficient about blogging. I love to write and am hoping that this blog will become a way to connect to others. To become an outlet for the stories of our life. I have a lot to learn about the design, pictures, etc. I am not the most computer savvy person but it will come. We are excited to start this thing! Hopefully others will enjoy reading it as well!