Love, Grace, and Heartbreak

Things are still no better. In fact they may be worse. We agreed to a trial separation. I am now staying with very dear friends of ours that offered their home to me as long as I need it. They have a two year old whom I am very close to and love dearly. Her laughs and playtime have been such a great distraction to what is going on. I am so incredibly grateful for such wonderful friends for what they have done. When this first happened I felt so alone. I felt like I had nobody. J is very close to her family. Their homes and love surround her. My family lives about an hour and a half away. While I love them dearly and know that they love me, I am not very close to them. My friends however have shown their love abundantly. Most of the friends that J and I have are shared friends. I was really worried about this. I shouldn't have worried at all. Our friends have wrapped their love and friendship around me. Tightly. They have housed me, fed me, listened, talked. Mostly though, they have shown unconditional love. I am sure they are doing the same for J, as it should be.


I don't really know what the future brings. I have a couple of plans just in case. I guess you would call them plan b, c, d, and e. Actually I don't have that many plans in mind. Probably just a couple. As far as I know, J still feels the same. That she is not in love with me. To say that looking at my 7 month old wedding pictures, from what was supposed to be the best day in my life is devastating is an understatement. It is a crushing, terrifying, disbelieving ache. I never in my wildest dreams saw this coming. I never believed there would ever be anything that we couldn't work through. We had what I thought was the happiest, unbelievable wedding. People couldn't stop talking about it. We cried throughout the whole thing and tenderly wiped each others tears. We danced the night away on mango martinis and all our friends and family. It was truly the most wonderful day ever. Seven days later, on our honeymoon, we met with an officiant in Washington DC and made our marriage legal. 


That I sit here in a home that is not my own is a nightmare to me. While I am so, so thankful for my friends for sharing their home with me, I want MY home. I want to share this rainy Sunday with MY wife, in OUR home. The one we bought and renovated this summer. I pinch myself at times because this whole situation is like one of this horrible dreams you have where you dream that your spouse leaves you and you lose everything kind of dreams. We used to love days like this. Laying on the couch snuggling together, reading, watching bad TV, snacking. Instead I am here and she is there. And there may never be that again. That is the reality. 


As it stands, not many people know about this. My family does not know and only a handful of friends know. Nobody I work with knows. That is why this blog is so important to me. I am free to write. (not exactly what I thought I'd be writing about on a TTC blog...) Nobody really "knows" me here. This is where I can say I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm frustrated" I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm terrified. I'm heartbroken. I can also say here how incredibly grateful I am. I have very nice, comfortable room and bathroom. A quiet place to read, write, think, do yoga, sleep, heal. It is just what I need right now. And I am not alone. I am here with people that love me. They give me lots of space but surround me with support when I need it.


So, I thought I'd be writing about how heartbroken I am today. Make no mistake about it, I am. I feel the grace in my life that I have though. Through my friends. What my small family of friends have done is love me. They have kept me going when I didn't think I could, they have fed me numerous times, they have let me cry, they are housing me, telling me I can stay however long I need to. Who has that?? I didn't think that I did. I never thought my friends loved me this much. They do. I know it now.


So, I remain in limbo. With my marriage. With my living situation. I'm not living at home and my wife is still not in love with me. I will make it though. Today through love, I truly believe that.