J got the results of her blood work back today. No surprises found so that is good. Her liver panel was normal so she can start taking the Metformin. This helps to regulate her blood sugar. She has insulin resistance which is related to her PCOS. By getting her blood sugars in the normal range, this will increase her fertility. She is also closely watching what she eats. Just trying to eat an overall healthy diet. Low in bad carbs, eating the good ones, veggies, lean proteins, just an all around healthy way of eating. We are both trying to be mindful of what we are eating and making better choices. She has also returned to yoga which helps more than anything.
Our other baby is anxiously awaiting to hear back from the college she really wants. Talk about going from one extreme to another! We are really hoping that she gets into this college. I think it is truly the school for her. She will only be about an hour and a half away which is just perfect in my book. Not too far but far away enough to give her some independence.
We are excited about getting started on growing our family. Hopefully we will be able to start planning for her HSG sometime in June. That gives us 4 months to lose some pounds, regulate blood sugars, and start exercising consistently. All of which will increase fertility. Because I also have PCOS, I am also doing these same healthy lifestyle changes. Not to try to conceive but just to try to become a little healthier. Last week I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and won a brand spanking new blood sugar meter! Yep, I get to prick my fingers everyday, yay! My doctor has described it as " pre diabetes" this is all related to MY PCOS. So, yep we are really trying to make some big changes in our household. There is not a bad carb to be found in this house! (If I can just stop stealing the patient stash of graham crackers and peanut butter at work!)
We are excited to have a plan. Excited to get healthy together. Excited for one childs dreams to come true. Excited that we are becoming a family.
A story of life, love, and hope......OR how two girls from the south met, fell in love, got married, and made a family!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A Beginning
Today was our official start of our journey in TTC! I guess our real beginning was last week at our first visit to our RE. Today however was our first thing on our to do list from our Dr. J went in for all of her bloodwork. They are also checking her liver panel to see if she can go back on Metformin. Hopefully she will be able to. Because of her PCOS, this medication helps to regulate her blood sugar. This will increase her chances at fertility. She also needs to lose weight. Because of the PCOS, losing weight is difficult. Fertility however improves significantly with weight loss. So, we are back to our low carb, lean protein, fruits and vegetable way of life. She is really committed and so am I. We are doing it together. We both need to lose weight anyway. We now have a wonderful goal in mind!
The next thing on our list is a counseling session by a counselor that our Dr. is sending us to. This is something he does with everyone. Just another hoop to jump through. Hopefully we can try to convince her that we are a normal, run of the mill, average lesbian couple! :)
We plan on doing the dye study test (HSG) in about 3 months. Going to give her some time to start the Metformin, lose some weight, maybe do some fertility acupuncture, and then do the HSG. Once we do that we will know if the tubes are all clear and we can start the inseminations!
We are excited! Even if today was just drawing blood. It is something. We have a plan. We have a goal. We are optimistic. We are ready to add to our family.
The next thing on our list is a counseling session by a counselor that our Dr. is sending us to. This is something he does with everyone. Just another hoop to jump through. Hopefully we can try to convince her that we are a normal, run of the mill, average lesbian couple! :)
We plan on doing the dye study test (HSG) in about 3 months. Going to give her some time to start the Metformin, lose some weight, maybe do some fertility acupuncture, and then do the HSG. Once we do that we will know if the tubes are all clear and we can start the inseminations!
We are excited! Even if today was just drawing blood. It is something. We have a plan. We have a goal. We are optimistic. We are ready to add to our family.
Monday, January 16, 2012
A Change of Heart
Jennifer and I haven't always wanted children together. As a matter of fact we were ecstatically racing to the finish line! At this point we are so close we can read the writing on the finish line tape! My daughter Little C is 18 and will be going to college this fall. We had visions of beach resorts, tours of Europe, and drives along the Pacific Coast Highway dancing in our heads. We had plans for more home renovations after experiencing the magic of a huge kitchen/living/laundry room project this past fall. We had plans of no debt, doing whatever we wanted to do, being free!!
Then we got serious. We got married in October and J's grandmothers died within six weeks of each other. We started talking about the important things in life. I had already experienced the joys of motherhood. I had my first child, a son (who has not been discussed in this blog until now) when I was 21. My daughter was born when I was 23. I realize now what a baby I was. I had no clue. I came out to myself when I was 29. This year I will turn 42 in March. My son will be 21 this spring and my daughter turns 19 this summer. My son who I will refer to as Big C is currently not in my life right now. This is a very painful issue and one that I don't talk about very much. He is on drugs and living a very self destructive lifestyle. I am not able to watch him self destruct on a daily basis and so he is on his own to do that. He has had help offered to him many, many times. There has been therapy, treatment centers, and halfway houses in his life, to no avail. We have tried to help him. He has to help himself now. I pray for him every day. I hope that one day he is able to reach out and want to change. Wants to get better. I would not have been able to get through this dark road if it was not for J. She has been my rock. She literally carried me at times. My daughter little C has also helped. Mostly in ways that she doesn't even know about. Just having her in my life, being her mom, seeing her grow and mature, loving life has helped me heal. She is my girl. She has great friends, has never been in trouble, laughs, loves, and lives life abundantly! I will miss her terribly when she goes to college.
Back to me and J.....J has always told me that she did not want children. I was fine with that. I had two. I was done. Then we really started thinking and talking about what really mattered in life. I asked her if she was sure. Positively sure that she never wanted to have children. To make a long story short,it turns out that she was scared. Scared she could never conceive a child because of her PCOS like her doctor told her long ago. Scared that she could have a child turn out like my son. Basically, just scared. So, shortly after we got married we started having some really serious conversations. We decided to take a leap of faith. Is she still scared? Absolutely! I am proud to say that she is scared but doing it anyway. I am so proud of her.
J will make a great mom. I have told her this all along. I told her this years ago when we first met. Our friends have always been so surprised that she said she didn't want children because of how she was with their children. She is so loving and patient. She was a live in nanny for her nephew when he was born. She lived with her sister and her husband for the first year of his life. It was an experience that meant so much to her. Even today at 10 years old they have a very strong bond. She made an amazing difference on his life and continues to do so.
So, this is a new and exciting turn of events for us! One that we didn't think we would be taking. I had always left it up to her. She knew I could go either way. I had pretty much thought I was done with the little ones, but I am excited that we are going in a new direction! I am excited about the prospect of seeing her tummy grow with our little one. I am excited to think of her holding him or her for the first time. I am excited for all the new adventures this will bring.
I am thrilled and honored to go on this journey with her.
Then we got serious. We got married in October and J's grandmothers died within six weeks of each other. We started talking about the important things in life. I had already experienced the joys of motherhood. I had my first child, a son (who has not been discussed in this blog until now) when I was 21. My daughter was born when I was 23. I realize now what a baby I was. I had no clue. I came out to myself when I was 29. This year I will turn 42 in March. My son will be 21 this spring and my daughter turns 19 this summer. My son who I will refer to as Big C is currently not in my life right now. This is a very painful issue and one that I don't talk about very much. He is on drugs and living a very self destructive lifestyle. I am not able to watch him self destruct on a daily basis and so he is on his own to do that. He has had help offered to him many, many times. There has been therapy, treatment centers, and halfway houses in his life, to no avail. We have tried to help him. He has to help himself now. I pray for him every day. I hope that one day he is able to reach out and want to change. Wants to get better. I would not have been able to get through this dark road if it was not for J. She has been my rock. She literally carried me at times. My daughter little C has also helped. Mostly in ways that she doesn't even know about. Just having her in my life, being her mom, seeing her grow and mature, loving life has helped me heal. She is my girl. She has great friends, has never been in trouble, laughs, loves, and lives life abundantly! I will miss her terribly when she goes to college.
Back to me and J.....J has always told me that she did not want children. I was fine with that. I had two. I was done. Then we really started thinking and talking about what really mattered in life. I asked her if she was sure. Positively sure that she never wanted to have children. To make a long story short,it turns out that she was scared. Scared she could never conceive a child because of her PCOS like her doctor told her long ago. Scared that she could have a child turn out like my son. Basically, just scared. So, shortly after we got married we started having some really serious conversations. We decided to take a leap of faith. Is she still scared? Absolutely! I am proud to say that she is scared but doing it anyway. I am so proud of her.
J will make a great mom. I have told her this all along. I told her this years ago when we first met. Our friends have always been so surprised that she said she didn't want children because of how she was with their children. She is so loving and patient. She was a live in nanny for her nephew when he was born. She lived with her sister and her husband for the first year of his life. It was an experience that meant so much to her. Even today at 10 years old they have a very strong bond. She made an amazing difference on his life and continues to do so.
So, this is a new and exciting turn of events for us! One that we didn't think we would be taking. I had always left it up to her. She knew I could go either way. I had pretty much thought I was done with the little ones, but I am excited that we are going in a new direction! I am excited about the prospect of seeing her tummy grow with our little one. I am excited to think of her holding him or her for the first time. I am excited for all the new adventures this will bring.
I am thrilled and honored to go on this journey with her.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Trying Not to Judge My Judgement
Evidently all my life I have been assigning values to...well, everything. It's either good or bad, and even among the good, there are levels from the "best" good to good that's, well, "not that good". For example, in an effort to treat my body better, I have been eating vegetables, lean meats, lower fat dairy and healthy fats...so on this...mission of making better choices about my food (notice my intention not to use the word "diet"?) I have recognized that among those foods that are the best for me, I know that the "worst" good foods are nuts and peanut butter...so still, when I feel the need to overeat I go straight to the worst of the good (why can't I binge on celery?). C likes to remind me that peanut butter is not a meal!
I say all of that to say I am a self confessed "judger". Not so much of other people. Don't get me wrong, I do have opinions, but you can ask my wife, I really don't give a flip what anyone else does in their life (that sentence may set a record for the most commas)! But I am a "judger" of all things in my own life. I judge my thoughts, my actions, my lack of action, my intentions, my work, my interactions, my feelings...every aspect of me...is judged.
Turns out that's not the healthiest habit to have! Over the past two to three years I have been studying Mindfulness, Wise Mind, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Meditation and Yoga. It all started in my therapy as an effort to decrease the frequency and severity of my anxiety attacks. In therapy I was introduced to the idea of Mindfulness and Wise Mind. Then I took an 8 week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. At the end of that course, my wonderful wife (thank you sweet C) gave me a gift certificate to a yoga studio and I was hooked. Now C and I are getting ready to start a new 12 week course on Mindful Eating. All of these classes, courses, therapy sessions and yoga lessons have reinforced the main focus of Mindfulness. Simply be present. Noticing. Non-Striving. No Judgement.
Whoa. This has blown my mind. Its not what I am used to. If you don't judge everything, how in the world do you know what's okay? How do you know when you've been bad? How do you know if you have been good and deserve a reward? This feels really vulnerable. Can I trust myself in this world of non-judging? I don't have a history of good decision making (wait, am I judging my decision making past?) so I am not sure how I feel about taking off all of the judgements that tell me what's "good" and what's "bad". I am making an effort at this point to just acknowledge and notice my judgement. It is so much a part of what I do that many times I don't realize I am doing it until the thought has passed, and at that point I usually jump straight to the thought "ugh, it is so bad that I thought that!!". Yep, that's right, I judge my judging. So, like I said, I am trying to just notice what I am thinking and then just gently let it slip away.
I had a pretty serious anxiety issue that has massively improved. Wise Mind techniques have allowed me to focus on the current moment and exactly what I am experiencing right now, rather than thinking all of the terrible possibilities that may arise. That catastrophe thinking is the root of my anxiety. The Mindfulness and meditation have allowed me to move in to a restful place at night with out my brain running away from me. The yoga has given me confidence, calmness and a curiosity for testing my limits that has really made a huge difference in my every day life. So, after all of those positive adjustments I am at the point where I can focus on the more subtle issue of recognizing what my brain is doing while I'm not actively engaged and directing my own thoughts! The brain is a tricky organ, it is constantly going, whether we direct it or not, it is going. The flow of those undirected thoughts have so much to do with what we believe about ourselves, how we perceive ourselves, and how we move forward with our lives.
I am imagining that if I stay more engaged with the moment, recognizing my thoughts, letting them resonate or slip away, allowing my focus to stay where I choose to channel my energy; then I will become a healthier, more loving, more compassionate and joyous person. So, on Monday C and I will start the course on Mindful Eating. We will be specifically removing the judgement from foods, allowing them only to be what they are... choosing to partake in them if we desire and then recognizing how they make us feel, and from that data deciding if that is what we want for our body. We are apprehensive about this new attitude, but we know that it is what's best. Recognizing. Noticing. Allowing. Non-striving. No Judging. And, if we do find ourselves judging, we will NOT pass judgement on our judging, after all, that would be bad!! HA!
I say all of that to say I am a self confessed "judger". Not so much of other people. Don't get me wrong, I do have opinions, but you can ask my wife, I really don't give a flip what anyone else does in their life (that sentence may set a record for the most commas)! But I am a "judger" of all things in my own life. I judge my thoughts, my actions, my lack of action, my intentions, my work, my interactions, my feelings...every aspect of me...is judged.
Turns out that's not the healthiest habit to have! Over the past two to three years I have been studying Mindfulness, Wise Mind, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Meditation and Yoga. It all started in my therapy as an effort to decrease the frequency and severity of my anxiety attacks. In therapy I was introduced to the idea of Mindfulness and Wise Mind. Then I took an 8 week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. At the end of that course, my wonderful wife (thank you sweet C) gave me a gift certificate to a yoga studio and I was hooked. Now C and I are getting ready to start a new 12 week course on Mindful Eating. All of these classes, courses, therapy sessions and yoga lessons have reinforced the main focus of Mindfulness. Simply be present. Noticing. Non-Striving. No Judgement.
Whoa. This has blown my mind. Its not what I am used to. If you don't judge everything, how in the world do you know what's okay? How do you know when you've been bad? How do you know if you have been good and deserve a reward? This feels really vulnerable. Can I trust myself in this world of non-judging? I don't have a history of good decision making (wait, am I judging my decision making past?) so I am not sure how I feel about taking off all of the judgements that tell me what's "good" and what's "bad". I am making an effort at this point to just acknowledge and notice my judgement. It is so much a part of what I do that many times I don't realize I am doing it until the thought has passed, and at that point I usually jump straight to the thought "ugh, it is so bad that I thought that!!". Yep, that's right, I judge my judging. So, like I said, I am trying to just notice what I am thinking and then just gently let it slip away.
I had a pretty serious anxiety issue that has massively improved. Wise Mind techniques have allowed me to focus on the current moment and exactly what I am experiencing right now, rather than thinking all of the terrible possibilities that may arise. That catastrophe thinking is the root of my anxiety. The Mindfulness and meditation have allowed me to move in to a restful place at night with out my brain running away from me. The yoga has given me confidence, calmness and a curiosity for testing my limits that has really made a huge difference in my every day life. So, after all of those positive adjustments I am at the point where I can focus on the more subtle issue of recognizing what my brain is doing while I'm not actively engaged and directing my own thoughts! The brain is a tricky organ, it is constantly going, whether we direct it or not, it is going. The flow of those undirected thoughts have so much to do with what we believe about ourselves, how we perceive ourselves, and how we move forward with our lives.
I am imagining that if I stay more engaged with the moment, recognizing my thoughts, letting them resonate or slip away, allowing my focus to stay where I choose to channel my energy; then I will become a healthier, more loving, more compassionate and joyous person. So, on Monday C and I will start the course on Mindful Eating. We will be specifically removing the judgement from foods, allowing them only to be what they are... choosing to partake in them if we desire and then recognizing how they make us feel, and from that data deciding if that is what we want for our body. We are apprehensive about this new attitude, but we know that it is what's best. Recognizing. Noticing. Allowing. Non-striving. No Judging. And, if we do find ourselves judging, we will NOT pass judgement on our judging, after all, that would be bad!! HA!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Information Overload
Today was a big day for us. We started our morning at the appointment with the RE and his PA. We talked through a rough timeline of the general steps infertility patients take on the TTC road. We start with blood tests to determine my kidney and liver function, titers for rubella and CMV, thyroid level, Cystic Fibrosis screen, glucose and insulin levels. Whew...that's a lot! Apparently at some point my liver function was a bit abnormal and the PA wants to be sure it has normalized before starting any meeds. If everything turns out well with the blood test I will start Metformin. Along the way C and I will be working towards a healthy weight, healthy physical body, calm mind and content spirit. We feel like cultivating these areas of our lives will impact our fertility, help us deal with the outcome of the IUI treatments (at this point I am scared to believe with any certainty that this whole process will end with a viable, healthy, full-term pregnancy)and move forward in life in a healthy way no matter where this journey ends.
We will also be seeing a counselor, as strongly suggested by the RE, to talk over donor sperm, insemination, what our plan is, where we are willing to go in this journey and at what point we are willing to call it quits. We both agree this is an important aspect of preparing for this process. The other task in this time period is deciding on a couple of donors. It isn't a process I feel totally comfortable with. I want this to be C's baby. Impossible, I know. But it is what I want and it makes me sad that we can't share it in the same way heterosexual couples do. We are going to be spending a lot of time together talking over and deciding on criteria for our donor.
Once we have gotten to a point where we are feeling good about my health (primarily my weight) and decide we are ready to try IUI in a month or so I will schedule a HSG. On the first day of my menstrual cycle I will call to schedule the HSG and it will take place after the bleeding has stopped but before I reach mid-cycle. It takes place at the hospital and I have read that it can be very painful, but our RE claims to perform the only painless HSG in the world! I hope he is right. This procedure will show him if there is any thing going on in my uterus or fallopian tubes that would prevent pregnancy. The PA said that while it is a diagnostic test to reveal problems it can also increase fertility because the dye flowing through your fallopian tubes has a "roto rooter effect" and primes them for pregnancy!
After the HSG we start fertility meds, monitoring and depending on the state of my poly-cystic ovaries they will decide when to try the first IUI. Pretty amazing. Amazing that I am even considering this option, amazing that I am being vulnerable enough to let C stand by me in this process, amazing that medical technology can allow infertile women to become mommys, amazing that there are men willing to offer there sperm to folks like C and myself, amazing...just amazing.
We will also be seeing a counselor, as strongly suggested by the RE, to talk over donor sperm, insemination, what our plan is, where we are willing to go in this journey and at what point we are willing to call it quits. We both agree this is an important aspect of preparing for this process. The other task in this time period is deciding on a couple of donors. It isn't a process I feel totally comfortable with. I want this to be C's baby. Impossible, I know. But it is what I want and it makes me sad that we can't share it in the same way heterosexual couples do. We are going to be spending a lot of time together talking over and deciding on criteria for our donor.
Once we have gotten to a point where we are feeling good about my health (primarily my weight) and decide we are ready to try IUI in a month or so I will schedule a HSG. On the first day of my menstrual cycle I will call to schedule the HSG and it will take place after the bleeding has stopped but before I reach mid-cycle. It takes place at the hospital and I have read that it can be very painful, but our RE claims to perform the only painless HSG in the world! I hope he is right. This procedure will show him if there is any thing going on in my uterus or fallopian tubes that would prevent pregnancy. The PA said that while it is a diagnostic test to reveal problems it can also increase fertility because the dye flowing through your fallopian tubes has a "roto rooter effect" and primes them for pregnancy!
After the HSG we start fertility meds, monitoring and depending on the state of my poly-cystic ovaries they will decide when to try the first IUI. Pretty amazing. Amazing that I am even considering this option, amazing that I am being vulnerable enough to let C stand by me in this process, amazing that medical technology can allow infertile women to become mommys, amazing that there are men willing to offer there sperm to folks like C and myself, amazing...just amazing.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Big Appointment
So tomorrow at 9:00 is our appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) We will be learning all about the process. This will be a two hour appointment. I am really excited! I think J is as well but is afraid to get her hopes up. As I said before, she has PCOS. She takes Provera just so that she can have a period. We don't even know at this point if she ovulates. I dont think she is letting herself get excited quite yet. She has lived in fear of never having children all of her life. Years ago a doctor told her that she would never have children. She decided then to shut down that part of her heart and say adamantly that she didn't want children. It was easier to do that than to get her hopes up and have them crushed. It has only been recently that she has faced those fears, jumped out into the unknown and put her heart out there. I am so proud of her. We have no idea what the future holds. However, fear will not keep us from moving forward. We are going for it. Moving ahead in faith, hope, and love. We said from the begining that we would base our relationship on those three things. We will continue to do so.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Who We Are
Next week, on Wednesday January 11th we have our first TTC (trying to conceive) appointment. It is a two hour appointment with our doctor to see what we need to do to get the ball rolling. We expect there to be hurdles and obstacles. J has PCOS and has very irregular cycles. We have a lot of faith in our doctor though and he has gotten many lesbians pregnant in our town! One of those babies is our sweet niece Izzy!
We have really loved and have been inspired by reading some of the many blogs of other gay families. We feel encouraged and hopeful. We have started this blog so that we will have a story throughout this journey. One that will hopefully document the road to enlarging our family! It may also serve to inspire others someday. Whatever the outcome, we will have stories along the way. We hope to not only write about TTC here but also in becoming a family, our new marriage, the struggles and laughs along the way! We will also write about the craziness of living on the "compound" as we sometimes like to refer to our living situation! We live in a house that we bought from J's parents. It is fifty year old bungalow that we recently renovated, knocking down two walls and gutting the kitchen. We have other projects in the works. Most will probably have to wait awhile after the baby making! We live across the street from J's parents, two doors down from her sister and her family, and three houses down from her aunt. The church a mile down the road has been their family's church for the last 160 years. The church graveyard holds her grandparents, great-grandparents, and aunts, uncles, and cousins. Living this close to family has been bittersweet for us. I love the roots, the closeness, and sense of family here. It can however be difficult. Especially as an in-law! We have our ups and downs with it but mostly ups. We are very blessed to have such a wonderful family. Most of the time they do a wonderful job making me feel like part of the family. Other times it feels as though we are surrounded. Well, because we are!
We hope to learn along the way.To become more proficient about blogging. I love to write and am hoping that this blog will become a way to connect to others. To become an outlet for the stories of our life. I have a lot to learn about the design, pictures, etc. I am not the most computer savvy person but it will come. We are excited to start this thing! Hopefully others will enjoy reading it as well!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)