Never Say Never!

I know a little more about my back situation than I did last week. It scares the shit out of me. Basically, my back is my livelihood. I am a nurse. My back has to withstand 12 hour shifts, pulling people up in bed (which is how I hurt my back) picking people up off the floor if they fall, leaning over patients for dressing changes and other procedures. Believe me, the back of a nurse must be strong. Mine is not. I saw the orthopedic doc on Friday. He looked at the x-rays they did at that visit and my old MRI. He saw arthritis and scar tissue. He also saw a disc that was 80% gone....and that was from an MRI that was two years ago. He went over my medications and was a little stunned. I take a LOT of meds and most of them are for my back! A few are narcotics. I take a long acting morphine that lasts for 12 hours. I take it twice a day. I STILL hurt! He said that I was way too young to be on that much medication and I agree! I either take the meds for a small amount of pain relief or don't take them and walk around in a fog. I am tired of it all. Last weekend I took the medications while J and I ran errands. The result was me looking like a stoner, nodding off during a haircut, and basically not being present in my life. Yesterday I decided was going to be different. I took the bare minimum of pain meds. We had a busy day and it ended with our monthly dinner group with 3 other couples. I wanted to enjoy the day, I wanted to remember the conversation. I wanted to be able to look people in the eyes instead of nodding off in mid sentence. I paid for it. See, I also wanted to sleep in bed next to my wife. I wanted to snuggle up to her, lock my feet into hers as we drift off to sleep. Listening to her breathing and slightly amusing snore. I love waking up together on Sunday mornings. So, instead of sleeping in the recliner where it is less painful to sleep, I slept in bed. With my wife. I woke up in tears. I hurt ALL night long. J said I moaned in my sleep, talked in my sleep and was restless all night. I had taken medication so I didn't wake up. I do however remember being in pain all night. I walked into the living room this morning, sat in the recliner and cried. I am so frustrated. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being dopey. Forgetful. Sedentary. I am just tired. I know other people are tired of hearing about it too! That is why I love this blog! I have only told a few people about it. Probably only 5-6 people that really know me in real life! If they don't want to read it they can scroll on through! The rest are from the internet. Maybe someone who has been through this too will read this. Maybe someone that understands. 


Anyway, back to the Dr. appointment. He pretty much says I need surgery. A back fusion. It is a pretty serious surgery. But, one that may change things for good. One that could help me finally get off these medications. My mother in law just had the same surgery last week and is doing great. Another close friend had it years ago. She was in physical therapy for six months but she is a very active, sporty person now. Both her and J's mom are not on pain medication. That intrigues me! If I could have a surgery, work my butt off in physical therapy, and get off all this medication, I would be thrilled! I have said for the last few years that I would NEVER have another back surgery. I am starting to rethink that! I go for another MRI soon (since this is workers comp I have no idea of the timing of anything!) then I go back for the results. If they say that surgery will help, I will have it done. I am actually getting to the place where I just want it done. If it could bring me relief, I'm ready to go!


Which leads me to the purpose of this blog.....TTC. I will be out of work for awhile. I don't even know if I will ever be able to do the kind of nursing I have always done. I may not be able to do patient care. Which makes me sad. We would have to see. To be on the safe side I will say that maybe I will be back to work in six months. I am getting workers comp right now but that is only 66% of my salary. It was going to be hard to do the whole TTC thing before this happened. Now it will be really difficult. I still think we should try. J has PCOS, we don't even know if she ovulates. We know this is going to be a long, hard road. We just didn't realize that we would also have my crap to deal with! Even if she got pregnant right away and I am still doing PT I think it would be fine. I just don't want my surgery to derail the growth of our family. Its just not fair to J. Who has by the way, been the best, compassionate, caring spouse ever. She does it in her own way, but she has been my rock. She is always a calm amongst a storm . This one has been no different. I am the overreacting, worrier, who has already decided the sky is falling and we're are all doomed! She is the perfect compliment to my hyper-glass empty-and it also has a crack in it world! She is calming, soothing, quiet, caring, we will get through this, even if we have to buy a new glass because yours is cracked kind of girl! She is awesome. She has not once mentioned my decrease in salary or her increase in responsibilities at home and financially. She just said what she always does. "It's going to be ok. We will get through this. Together."


I love that girl.

Back To Basics

Our beautiful daughter on our wedding day with our flower girl Izzy. I am so extremely proud of her!!!!!

When I started this blog I hoped that it would be so much more than just a baby or TTC blog. I wanted to be able to write about our lives. Our marriage. My big kids. Basically Life. Many people want to read about the little ones and how to get there. I know I do. But right now we are at a standstill with that until our HSG this spring. However, life goes on. Our blog is for me to document our life. The good. The bad. The ugly. Maybe someday we will look back and laugh at it all. I also have to admit that I really do enjoy reading just the mundane details of strangers lives. Just the ordinary stories of love, kids, marriage ups and downs. Makes me feel like we really are a normal family! Whatever normal is!


On a couple positive notes. Our daughter Little C got into college! She will be about 2 and1/2 hours away at a small, private liberal arts college. I am really in denial at this point. I am so excited for her to start this journey and all that the world has to offer out there. I am just not ready to let go of her that much. Making sure she gets up for school, eats, studies, managing her time. All of those things she will have to do herself. That. Is. So. Scary. To. Me. It just doesn't seem like she is old enough. It still seems like she was in elementary school last week. I truly am excited for her and all that the future holds! I just have keep reminding myself that this is what we work for as parents.....to set them free. Hoping that we have taught them while they have been ours during this time, everything they need to know. Trusting also that they figure out what they don't know. She is such a wonderful girl. I think she will do fine. Me? Not too sure! We still have time though and I am clinging to that with every minute I get to share with her.


I got an Macbook Pro this past weekend. This is so exciting. I have wanted a new laptop for so long. J has one for work, Little C has one for school. I had an iPad which I love but it was limiting in what it would let me do especially in blogging. I couldn't upload pictures and a few other things. It was limiting. This computer is awesome though! I don't really understand exactly how to use it. I am learning. My daughter has been teaching me which has been pretty funny!


The biggest thing going on with me is that I hurt my back at work last week. I am a nurse and my back is my bread and butter. I can't lose my back. It is what my livelihood is built upon. So, I am now dealing with pain, pain meds, heat, ice, chiropractors, orthopedics, and physical therapy. Oh, and the rolls and rolls of red tape called workers comp. I have my own orthopedic doctor and place that I was going to start PT (I had back surgery almost 5 years ago) My primary doctor had referred me to them on my last visit. Then I got hurt at work. The first appointment they can get me is Friday, March 2nd! So, I am basically stuck in the recliner until then. Out of work. Dependent on my wife. And in pain. Not a good place to be. I can't be treated anywhere until this appointment on the 2nd. I am sleeping in the recliner at night, which is not a great arrangement when you are a newlywed!


We are trying to start growing our family in the next few months so this is not somewhere I want to be. I am eight years older than my wife. I don't want to be falling apart before we even get started! I worry about being a burden on her. About her resenting me for needing so much help.


I just needed to vent. Have a pity party. I can't say a lot of this on Facebook because of the workers comp issue. I know I can say it here because I have no idea if many people even read this! And my name isn't here so I can just blog and blab away! That is very freeing! Besides, so many times just laying things out there helps others, or others help you. In that case, I would be glad to hear from anyone that has been through this. I know what I need to do. I just have GOT to do it. Exercise is going to be my saving grace for the rest of my life. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed. Maybe

Getting Healthy

J got the results of her blood work back today. No surprises found so that is good. Her liver panel was normal so she can start taking the Metformin. This helps to regulate her blood sugar. She has insulin resistance which is related to her PCOS. By getting her blood sugars in the normal range, this will increase her fertility. She is also closely watching what she eats. Just trying to eat an overall healthy diet. Low in bad carbs, eating the good ones, veggies, lean proteins, just an all around healthy way of eating. We are both trying to be mindful of what we are eating and making better choices. She has also returned to yoga which helps more than anything.


Our other baby is anxiously awaiting to hear back from the college she really wants. Talk about going from one extreme to another! We are really hoping that she gets into this college. I think it is truly the school for her. She will only be about an hour and a half away which is just perfect in my book. Not too far but far away enough to give her some independence.


We are excited about getting started on growing our family. Hopefully we will be able to start planning for her HSG sometime in June. That gives us 4 months to lose some pounds, regulate blood sugars, and start exercising consistently. All of which will increase fertility. Because I also have PCOS, I am also doing these same healthy lifestyle changes. Not to try to conceive but just to try to become a little healthier. Last week I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and won a brand spanking new blood sugar meter! Yep, I get to prick my fingers everyday, yay! My doctor has described it as " pre diabetes" this is all related to MY PCOS. So, yep we are really trying to make some big changes in our household. There is not a bad carb to be found in this house! (If I can just stop stealing the patient stash of graham crackers and peanut butter at work!)


We are excited to have a plan. Excited to get healthy together. Excited for one childs dreams to come true. Excited that we are becoming a family.

A Beginning

Today was our official start of our journey in TTC! I guess our real beginning was last week at our first visit to our RE. Today however was our first thing on our to do list from our Dr. J went in for all of her bloodwork. They are also checking her liver panel to see if she can go back on Metformin. Hopefully she will be able to. Because of her PCOS, this medication helps to regulate her blood sugar. This will increase her chances at fertility. She also needs to lose weight. Because of the PCOS, losing weight is difficult. Fertility however improves significantly with weight loss. So, we are back to our low carb, lean protein, fruits and vegetable way of life. She is really committed and so am I. We are doing it together. We both need to lose weight anyway. We now have a wonderful goal in mind!


The next thing on our list is a counseling session by a counselor that our Dr. is sending us to. This is something he does with everyone. Just another hoop to jump through. Hopefully we can try to convince her that we are a normal, run of the mill, average lesbian couple! :)


We plan on doing the dye study test (HSG) in about 3 months. Going to give her some time to start the Metformin, lose some weight, maybe do some fertility acupuncture, and then do the HSG. Once we do that we will know if the tubes are all clear and we can start the inseminations!


We are excited! Even if today was just drawing blood. It is something. We have a plan. We have a goal. We are optimistic. We are ready to add to our family.

A Change of Heart

Jennifer and I haven't always wanted children together. As a matter of fact we were ecstatically racing to the finish line! At this point we are so close we can read the writing on the finish line tape! My daughter Little C is 18 and will be going to college this fall. We had visions of beach resorts, tours of Europe, and drives along the Pacific Coast Highway dancing in our heads. We had plans for more home renovations after experiencing the magic of a huge kitchen/living/laundry room project this past fall. We had plans of no debt, doing whatever we wanted to do, being free!!


Then we got serious. We got married in October and J's grandmothers died within six weeks of each other. We started talking about the important things in life. I had already experienced the joys of motherhood. I had my first child, a son (who has not been discussed in this blog until now) when I was 21. My daughter was born when I was 23. I realize now what a baby I was. I had no clue. I came out to myself when I was 29. This year I will turn 42 in March. My son will be 21 this spring and my daughter turns 19 this summer. My son who I will refer to as Big C is currently not in my life right now. This is a very painful issue and one that I don't talk about very much. He is on drugs and living a very self destructive lifestyle. I am not able to watch him self destruct on a daily basis and so he is on his own to do that. He has had help offered to him many, many times. There has been therapy, treatment centers, and halfway houses in his life, to no avail. We have tried to help him. He has to help himself now. I pray for him every day. I hope that one day he is able to reach out and want to change. Wants to get better. I would not have been able to get through this dark road if it was not for J. She has been my rock. She literally carried me at times. My daughter little C has also helped. Mostly in ways that she doesn't even know about. Just having her in my life, being her mom, seeing her grow and mature, loving life has helped me heal. She is my girl. She has great friends, has never been in trouble, laughs, loves, and lives life abundantly! I will miss her terribly when she goes to college.


Back to me and J.....J has always told me that she did not want children. I was fine with that. I had two. I was done. Then we really started thinking and talking about what really mattered in life. I asked her if she was sure. Positively sure that she never wanted to have children. To make a long story short,it turns out that she was scared. Scared she could never conceive a child because of her PCOS like her doctor told her long ago. Scared that she could have a child turn out like my son. Basically, just scared. So, shortly after we got married we started having some really serious conversations. We decided to take a leap of faith. Is she still scared? Absolutely! I am proud to say that she is scared but doing it anyway. I am so proud of her.


J will make a great mom. I have told her this all along. I told her this years ago when we first met. Our friends have always been so surprised that she said she didn't want children because of how she was with their children. She is so loving and patient. She was a live in nanny for her nephew when he was born. She lived with her sister and her husband for the first year of his life. It was an experience that meant so much to her. Even today at 10 years old they have a very strong bond. She made an amazing difference on his life and continues to do so.


So, this is a new and exciting turn of events for us! One that we didn't think we would be taking. I had always left it up to her. She knew I could go either way. I had pretty much thought I was done with the little ones, but I am excited that we are going in a new direction! I am excited about the prospect of seeing her tummy grow with our little one. I am excited to think of her holding him or her for the first time. I am excited for all the new adventures this will bring.


I am thrilled and honored to go on this journey with her.

Trying Not to Judge My Judgement

Evidently all my life I have been assigning values to...well, everything.  It's either good or bad, and even among the good, there are levels from the "best" good to good that's, well, "not that good".  For example, in an effort to treat my body better, I have been eating vegetables, lean meats, lower fat dairy and healthy fats...so on this...mission of making better choices about my food (notice my intention not to use the word "diet"?) I have recognized that among those foods that are the best for me, I know that the "worst" good foods are nuts and peanut butter...so still, when I feel the need to overeat I go straight to the worst of the good (why can't I binge on celery?). C likes to remind me that peanut butter is not a meal!


I say all of that to say I am a self confessed "judger".  Not so much of other people. Don't get me wrong, I do have opinions, but you can ask my wife, I really don't give a flip what anyone else does in their life (that sentence may set a record for the most commas)! But I am a "judger" of all things in my own life.  I judge my thoughts, my actions, my lack of action, my intentions, my work, my interactions, my feelings...every aspect of me...is judged.


Turns out that's not the healthiest habit to have! Over the past two to three years I have been studying Mindfulness, Wise Mind, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Meditation and Yoga.  It all started in my therapy as an effort to decrease the frequency and severity of my anxiety attacks.  In therapy I was introduced to the idea of Mindfulness and Wise Mind.  Then I took an 8 week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.  At the end of that course, my wonderful wife (thank you sweet C) gave me a gift certificate to a yoga studio and I was hooked.  Now C and I are getting ready to start a new 12 week course on Mindful Eating.  All of these classes, courses, therapy sessions and yoga lessons have reinforced the main focus of Mindfulness. Simply be present. Noticing. Non-Striving. No Judgement.


Whoa.  This has blown my mind.  Its not what I am used to.  If you don't judge everything, how in the world do you know what's okay?  How do you know when you've been bad? How do you know if you have been good and deserve a reward?  This feels really vulnerable.  Can I trust myself in this world of non-judging?  I don't have a history of good decision making (wait, am I judging my decision making past?) so I am not sure how I feel about taking off all of the judgements that tell me what's "good" and what's "bad".  I am making an effort at this point to just acknowledge and notice my judgement.  It is so much a part of what I do that many times I don't realize I am doing it until the thought has passed, and at that point I usually jump straight to the thought "ugh, it is so bad that I thought that!!".  Yep, that's right, I judge my judging. So, like I said, I am trying to just notice what I am thinking and then just gently let it slip away.


I had a pretty serious anxiety issue that has massively improved.  Wise Mind techniques have allowed me to focus on the current moment and exactly what I am experiencing right now, rather than thinking all of the terrible possibilities that may arise.  That catastrophe thinking is the root of my anxiety.  The Mindfulness and meditation have allowed me to move in to a restful place at night with out my brain running away from me.  The yoga has given me confidence, calmness and a curiosity for testing my limits that has really made a huge difference in my every day life.  So, after all of those positive adjustments I am at the point where I can focus on the more subtle issue of recognizing what my brain is doing while I'm not actively engaged and directing my own thoughts!  The brain is a tricky organ, it is constantly going, whether we direct it or not, it is going.  The flow of those undirected thoughts have so much to do with what we believe about ourselves, how we perceive ourselves, and how we move forward with our lives.


I am imagining that if I stay more engaged with the moment, recognizing my thoughts, letting them resonate or slip away, allowing my focus to stay where I choose to channel my energy; then I will become a healthier, more loving, more compassionate and joyous person.  So, on Monday C and I will start the course on Mindful Eating. We will be specifically removing the judgement from foods, allowing them only to be what they are... choosing to partake in them if we desire and then recognizing how they make us feel, and from that data deciding if that is what we want for our body. We are apprehensive about this new attitude, but we know that it is what's best. Recognizing. Noticing. Allowing. Non-striving. No Judging.  And, if we do find ourselves judging, we will NOT pass judgement on our judging, after all, that would be bad!! HA! 

Information Overload

Today was a big day for us. We started our morning at the appointment with the RE and his PA. We talked through a rough timeline of the general steps infertility patients take on the TTC road. We start with blood tests to determine my kidney and liver function, titers for rubella and CMV, thyroid level, Cystic Fibrosis screen, glucose and insulin levels. Whew...that's a lot! Apparently at some point my liver function was a bit abnormal and the PA wants to be sure it has normalized before starting any meeds. If everything turns out well with the blood test I will start Metformin. Along the way C and I will be working towards a healthy weight, healthy physical body, calm mind and content spirit. We feel like cultivating these areas of our lives will impact our fertility, help us deal with the outcome of the IUI treatments (at this point I am scared to believe with any certainty that this whole process will end with a viable, healthy, full-term pregnancy)and move forward in life in a healthy way no matter where this journey ends.


We will also be seeing a counselor, as strongly suggested by the RE, to talk over donor sperm, insemination, what our plan is, where we are willing to go in this journey and at what point we are willing to call it quits. We both agree this is an important aspect of preparing for this process. The other task in this time period is deciding on a couple of donors. It isn't a process I feel totally comfortable with. I want this to be C's baby. Impossible, I know. But it is what I want and it makes me sad that we can't share it in the same way heterosexual couples do. We are going to be spending a lot of time together talking over and deciding on criteria for our donor.


Once we have gotten to a point where we are feeling good about my health (primarily my weight) and decide we are ready to try IUI in a month or so I will schedule a HSG. On the first day of my menstrual cycle I will call to schedule the HSG and it will take place after the bleeding has stopped but before I reach mid-cycle. It takes place at the hospital and I have read that it can be very painful, but our RE claims to perform the only painless HSG in the world! I hope he is right. This procedure will show him if there is any thing going on in my uterus or fallopian tubes that would prevent pregnancy. The PA said that while it is a diagnostic test to reveal problems it can also increase fertility because the dye flowing through your fallopian tubes has a "roto rooter effect" and primes them for pregnancy!


After the HSG we start fertility meds, monitoring and depending on the state of my poly-cystic ovaries they will decide when to try the first IUI. Pretty amazing. Amazing that I am even considering this option, amazing that I am being vulnerable enough to let C stand by me in this process, amazing that medical technology can allow infertile women to become mommys, amazing that there are men willing to offer there sperm to folks like C and myself, amazing...just amazing.