Trying Not to Judge My Judgement

Evidently all my life I have been assigning values to...well, everything.  It's either good or bad, and even among the good, there are levels from the "best" good to good that's, well, "not that good".  For example, in an effort to treat my body better, I have been eating vegetables, lean meats, lower fat dairy and healthy fats...so on this...mission of making better choices about my food (notice my intention not to use the word "diet"?) I have recognized that among those foods that are the best for me, I know that the "worst" good foods are nuts and peanut butter...so still, when I feel the need to overeat I go straight to the worst of the good (why can't I binge on celery?). C likes to remind me that peanut butter is not a meal!


I say all of that to say I am a self confessed "judger".  Not so much of other people. Don't get me wrong, I do have opinions, but you can ask my wife, I really don't give a flip what anyone else does in their life (that sentence may set a record for the most commas)! But I am a "judger" of all things in my own life.  I judge my thoughts, my actions, my lack of action, my intentions, my work, my interactions, my feelings...every aspect of me...is judged.


Turns out that's not the healthiest habit to have! Over the past two to three years I have been studying Mindfulness, Wise Mind, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Meditation and Yoga.  It all started in my therapy as an effort to decrease the frequency and severity of my anxiety attacks.  In therapy I was introduced to the idea of Mindfulness and Wise Mind.  Then I took an 8 week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.  At the end of that course, my wonderful wife (thank you sweet C) gave me a gift certificate to a yoga studio and I was hooked.  Now C and I are getting ready to start a new 12 week course on Mindful Eating.  All of these classes, courses, therapy sessions and yoga lessons have reinforced the main focus of Mindfulness. Simply be present. Noticing. Non-Striving. No Judgement.


Whoa.  This has blown my mind.  Its not what I am used to.  If you don't judge everything, how in the world do you know what's okay?  How do you know when you've been bad? How do you know if you have been good and deserve a reward?  This feels really vulnerable.  Can I trust myself in this world of non-judging?  I don't have a history of good decision making (wait, am I judging my decision making past?) so I am not sure how I feel about taking off all of the judgements that tell me what's "good" and what's "bad".  I am making an effort at this point to just acknowledge and notice my judgement.  It is so much a part of what I do that many times I don't realize I am doing it until the thought has passed, and at that point I usually jump straight to the thought "ugh, it is so bad that I thought that!!".  Yep, that's right, I judge my judging. So, like I said, I am trying to just notice what I am thinking and then just gently let it slip away.


I had a pretty serious anxiety issue that has massively improved.  Wise Mind techniques have allowed me to focus on the current moment and exactly what I am experiencing right now, rather than thinking all of the terrible possibilities that may arise.  That catastrophe thinking is the root of my anxiety.  The Mindfulness and meditation have allowed me to move in to a restful place at night with out my brain running away from me.  The yoga has given me confidence, calmness and a curiosity for testing my limits that has really made a huge difference in my every day life.  So, after all of those positive adjustments I am at the point where I can focus on the more subtle issue of recognizing what my brain is doing while I'm not actively engaged and directing my own thoughts!  The brain is a tricky organ, it is constantly going, whether we direct it or not, it is going.  The flow of those undirected thoughts have so much to do with what we believe about ourselves, how we perceive ourselves, and how we move forward with our lives.


I am imagining that if I stay more engaged with the moment, recognizing my thoughts, letting them resonate or slip away, allowing my focus to stay where I choose to channel my energy; then I will become a healthier, more loving, more compassionate and joyous person.  So, on Monday C and I will start the course on Mindful Eating. We will be specifically removing the judgement from foods, allowing them only to be what they are... choosing to partake in them if we desire and then recognizing how they make us feel, and from that data deciding if that is what we want for our body. We are apprehensive about this new attitude, but we know that it is what's best. Recognizing. Noticing. Allowing. Non-striving. No Judging.  And, if we do find ourselves judging, we will NOT pass judgement on our judging, after all, that would be bad!! HA!