Love, Grace, and Heartbreak

Things are still no better. In fact they may be worse. We agreed to a trial separation. I am now staying with very dear friends of ours that offered their home to me as long as I need it. They have a two year old whom I am very close to and love dearly. Her laughs and playtime have been such a great distraction to what is going on. I am so incredibly grateful for such wonderful friends for what they have done. When this first happened I felt so alone. I felt like I had nobody. J is very close to her family. Their homes and love surround her. My family lives about an hour and a half away. While I love them dearly and know that they love me, I am not very close to them. My friends however have shown their love abundantly. Most of the friends that J and I have are shared friends. I was really worried about this. I shouldn't have worried at all. Our friends have wrapped their love and friendship around me. Tightly. They have housed me, fed me, listened, talked. Mostly though, they have shown unconditional love. I am sure they are doing the same for J, as it should be.


I don't really know what the future brings. I have a couple of plans just in case. I guess you would call them plan b, c, d, and e. Actually I don't have that many plans in mind. Probably just a couple. As far as I know, J still feels the same. That she is not in love with me. To say that looking at my 7 month old wedding pictures, from what was supposed to be the best day in my life is devastating is an understatement. It is a crushing, terrifying, disbelieving ache. I never in my wildest dreams saw this coming. I never believed there would ever be anything that we couldn't work through. We had what I thought was the happiest, unbelievable wedding. People couldn't stop talking about it. We cried throughout the whole thing and tenderly wiped each others tears. We danced the night away on mango martinis and all our friends and family. It was truly the most wonderful day ever. Seven days later, on our honeymoon, we met with an officiant in Washington DC and made our marriage legal. 


That I sit here in a home that is not my own is a nightmare to me. While I am so, so thankful for my friends for sharing their home with me, I want MY home. I want to share this rainy Sunday with MY wife, in OUR home. The one we bought and renovated this summer. I pinch myself at times because this whole situation is like one of this horrible dreams you have where you dream that your spouse leaves you and you lose everything kind of dreams. We used to love days like this. Laying on the couch snuggling together, reading, watching bad TV, snacking. Instead I am here and she is there. And there may never be that again. That is the reality. 


As it stands, not many people know about this. My family does not know and only a handful of friends know. Nobody I work with knows. That is why this blog is so important to me. I am free to write. (not exactly what I thought I'd be writing about on a TTC blog...) Nobody really "knows" me here. This is where I can say I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm frustrated" I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm terrified. I'm heartbroken. I can also say here how incredibly grateful I am. I have very nice, comfortable room and bathroom. A quiet place to read, write, think, do yoga, sleep, heal. It is just what I need right now. And I am not alone. I am here with people that love me. They give me lots of space but surround me with support when I need it.


So, I thought I'd be writing about how heartbroken I am today. Make no mistake about it, I am. I feel the grace in my life that I have though. Through my friends. What my small family of friends have done is love me. They have kept me going when I didn't think I could, they have fed me numerous times, they have let me cry, they are housing me, telling me I can stay however long I need to. Who has that?? I didn't think that I did. I never thought my friends loved me this much. They do. I know it now.


So, I remain in limbo. With my marriage. With my living situation. I'm not living at home and my wife is still not in love with me. I will make it though. Today through love, I truly believe that.

Never Saw It Coming

So.......


I wasn't going to write this post. I just thought it was too private here. However, only a few friends know of this blog and they also know what's going on. The rest of you are my private little community. It is wonderful to be able write without worries of judgement.


As I have shared on our blog, we were married 6 months ago. 10/01/11. It was the best day of my life. Our entire family were there as long as our closest friends. We worked so hard on our day. Planning it for two years. We came up with our vows together as well as the service. We truly wanted for it to be meaningful. We both cried throughout the entire ceremony. Then we celebrated the night away. We ate, drank, danced, and celebrated our love. Everyone continued to talk throughout the night about how it was the most perfect, beautiful wedding. It was purely the most magical night of my life. I had a fairy book life. I had everything i ever wanted.


 I am embarrassed, and heartbroken to write what I am writing now. On Sunday, my wife informed me that she was no longer in love with me.  I am devastated. She says that she is still committed to our relationship. But we are miserably living together. Surviving. Making small talk about the weather, TV shows, household needs. We will be seeing our therapist that we just started with tomorrow. I am not sure once your spouse tells you something like that, that you can recover.


I have cried all day the last two days. I can't eat, I feel like I am going to throw up all the time.I have been in bed all day today. Having a mini breakdown/ pity party! I just could not do TODAY, it was too much. It hit me. I may lose everything we have here  together as well as my wife. Today I cancelled all my plans and cried and slept. I needed that. At some point, I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I need to do. Just not today.


  You know what? I believed and meant every word of my vows. I have every intention of sticking to them. I believed in everything we dreamed of doing. I believed that the best was yet to be. I have been blinsided. I never saw this coming.


The hard thing is that I have so much to lose. We have a beautiful little bungalow, filled with natural sun light that spills onto the hardwood floors, that we bought together last year. We have two dogs that are like our children, I have a daughter that has a very special relationship with J. We have accounts together. Property together. I am just not ready to demantle what we have.  As strong of a person I am, I just feel that I can't do this. Not right now.


She is not my wife that I married, the woman I have know for four years. She treats me like a stranger now. Regardless of how she feels about me though, I am still madly in love with her. I told her I meant our vows. I am holding on tight to them and praying like crazy. I look at our wedding pictures and special things we have from that day around the house and it suffocates me with pain.


I never thought we'd be here. Sure we had issues to work through but we had a fight about a month ago and things have snowballed from there. I have tried to reach out to her. Extend the olive branch but she remains cold and distant. I don't know her right now though. She is not my wife that I married and have known for four years.


So, I decided to go and stay with some friends for awhile. They offered their guest room as soon as this happened. I just can't live like this anymore. Maybe being apart will help us to heal. Help us to mend some wrongs and things that has festered. We both say we want it to work and are willing to go to therapy. It's a little glimmer of hope. I am trying to stay positive, take care of myself. Somedays are better than others.


We shall see what happens. I have however, realized who my friends are. They have been amazing and got me through some days that I was surviving minute by minute. Hour by hour.


I will survive this. I don't want to though. This is OUR home, our dreams, our forever. I won't walk away unless she does. I will stand firm in my commitment.

Never Say Never!

I know a little more about my back situation than I did last week. It scares the shit out of me. Basically, my back is my livelihood. I am a nurse. My back has to withstand 12 hour shifts, pulling people up in bed (which is how I hurt my back) picking people up off the floor if they fall, leaning over patients for dressing changes and other procedures. Believe me, the back of a nurse must be strong. Mine is not. I saw the orthopedic doc on Friday. He looked at the x-rays they did at that visit and my old MRI. He saw arthritis and scar tissue. He also saw a disc that was 80% gone....and that was from an MRI that was two years ago. He went over my medications and was a little stunned. I take a LOT of meds and most of them are for my back! A few are narcotics. I take a long acting morphine that lasts for 12 hours. I take it twice a day. I STILL hurt! He said that I was way too young to be on that much medication and I agree! I either take the meds for a small amount of pain relief or don't take them and walk around in a fog. I am tired of it all. Last weekend I took the medications while J and I ran errands. The result was me looking like a stoner, nodding off during a haircut, and basically not being present in my life. Yesterday I decided was going to be different. I took the bare minimum of pain meds. We had a busy day and it ended with our monthly dinner group with 3 other couples. I wanted to enjoy the day, I wanted to remember the conversation. I wanted to be able to look people in the eyes instead of nodding off in mid sentence. I paid for it. See, I also wanted to sleep in bed next to my wife. I wanted to snuggle up to her, lock my feet into hers as we drift off to sleep. Listening to her breathing and slightly amusing snore. I love waking up together on Sunday mornings. So, instead of sleeping in the recliner where it is less painful to sleep, I slept in bed. With my wife. I woke up in tears. I hurt ALL night long. J said I moaned in my sleep, talked in my sleep and was restless all night. I had taken medication so I didn't wake up. I do however remember being in pain all night. I walked into the living room this morning, sat in the recliner and cried. I am so frustrated. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being dopey. Forgetful. Sedentary. I am just tired. I know other people are tired of hearing about it too! That is why I love this blog! I have only told a few people about it. Probably only 5-6 people that really know me in real life! If they don't want to read it they can scroll on through! The rest are from the internet. Maybe someone who has been through this too will read this. Maybe someone that understands. 


Anyway, back to the Dr. appointment. He pretty much says I need surgery. A back fusion. It is a pretty serious surgery. But, one that may change things for good. One that could help me finally get off these medications. My mother in law just had the same surgery last week and is doing great. Another close friend had it years ago. She was in physical therapy for six months but she is a very active, sporty person now. Both her and J's mom are not on pain medication. That intrigues me! If I could have a surgery, work my butt off in physical therapy, and get off all this medication, I would be thrilled! I have said for the last few years that I would NEVER have another back surgery. I am starting to rethink that! I go for another MRI soon (since this is workers comp I have no idea of the timing of anything!) then I go back for the results. If they say that surgery will help, I will have it done. I am actually getting to the place where I just want it done. If it could bring me relief, I'm ready to go!


Which leads me to the purpose of this blog.....TTC. I will be out of work for awhile. I don't even know if I will ever be able to do the kind of nursing I have always done. I may not be able to do patient care. Which makes me sad. We would have to see. To be on the safe side I will say that maybe I will be back to work in six months. I am getting workers comp right now but that is only 66% of my salary. It was going to be hard to do the whole TTC thing before this happened. Now it will be really difficult. I still think we should try. J has PCOS, we don't even know if she ovulates. We know this is going to be a long, hard road. We just didn't realize that we would also have my crap to deal with! Even if she got pregnant right away and I am still doing PT I think it would be fine. I just don't want my surgery to derail the growth of our family. Its just not fair to J. Who has by the way, been the best, compassionate, caring spouse ever. She does it in her own way, but she has been my rock. She is always a calm amongst a storm . This one has been no different. I am the overreacting, worrier, who has already decided the sky is falling and we're are all doomed! She is the perfect compliment to my hyper-glass empty-and it also has a crack in it world! She is calming, soothing, quiet, caring, we will get through this, even if we have to buy a new glass because yours is cracked kind of girl! She is awesome. She has not once mentioned my decrease in salary or her increase in responsibilities at home and financially. She just said what she always does. "It's going to be ok. We will get through this. Together."


I love that girl.

Back To Basics

Our beautiful daughter on our wedding day with our flower girl Izzy. I am so extremely proud of her!!!!!

When I started this blog I hoped that it would be so much more than just a baby or TTC blog. I wanted to be able to write about our lives. Our marriage. My big kids. Basically Life. Many people want to read about the little ones and how to get there. I know I do. But right now we are at a standstill with that until our HSG this spring. However, life goes on. Our blog is for me to document our life. The good. The bad. The ugly. Maybe someday we will look back and laugh at it all. I also have to admit that I really do enjoy reading just the mundane details of strangers lives. Just the ordinary stories of love, kids, marriage ups and downs. Makes me feel like we really are a normal family! Whatever normal is!


On a couple positive notes. Our daughter Little C got into college! She will be about 2 and1/2 hours away at a small, private liberal arts college. I am really in denial at this point. I am so excited for her to start this journey and all that the world has to offer out there. I am just not ready to let go of her that much. Making sure she gets up for school, eats, studies, managing her time. All of those things she will have to do herself. That. Is. So. Scary. To. Me. It just doesn't seem like she is old enough. It still seems like she was in elementary school last week. I truly am excited for her and all that the future holds! I just have keep reminding myself that this is what we work for as parents.....to set them free. Hoping that we have taught them while they have been ours during this time, everything they need to know. Trusting also that they figure out what they don't know. She is such a wonderful girl. I think she will do fine. Me? Not too sure! We still have time though and I am clinging to that with every minute I get to share with her.


I got an Macbook Pro this past weekend. This is so exciting. I have wanted a new laptop for so long. J has one for work, Little C has one for school. I had an iPad which I love but it was limiting in what it would let me do especially in blogging. I couldn't upload pictures and a few other things. It was limiting. This computer is awesome though! I don't really understand exactly how to use it. I am learning. My daughter has been teaching me which has been pretty funny!


The biggest thing going on with me is that I hurt my back at work last week. I am a nurse and my back is my bread and butter. I can't lose my back. It is what my livelihood is built upon. So, I am now dealing with pain, pain meds, heat, ice, chiropractors, orthopedics, and physical therapy. Oh, and the rolls and rolls of red tape called workers comp. I have my own orthopedic doctor and place that I was going to start PT (I had back surgery almost 5 years ago) My primary doctor had referred me to them on my last visit. Then I got hurt at work. The first appointment they can get me is Friday, March 2nd! So, I am basically stuck in the recliner until then. Out of work. Dependent on my wife. And in pain. Not a good place to be. I can't be treated anywhere until this appointment on the 2nd. I am sleeping in the recliner at night, which is not a great arrangement when you are a newlywed!


We are trying to start growing our family in the next few months so this is not somewhere I want to be. I am eight years older than my wife. I don't want to be falling apart before we even get started! I worry about being a burden on her. About her resenting me for needing so much help.


I just needed to vent. Have a pity party. I can't say a lot of this on Facebook because of the workers comp issue. I know I can say it here because I have no idea if many people even read this! And my name isn't here so I can just blog and blab away! That is very freeing! Besides, so many times just laying things out there helps others, or others help you. In that case, I would be glad to hear from anyone that has been through this. I know what I need to do. I just have GOT to do it. Exercise is going to be my saving grace for the rest of my life. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed. Maybe