Never Say Never!

I know a little more about my back situation than I did last week. It scares the shit out of me. Basically, my back is my livelihood. I am a nurse. My back has to withstand 12 hour shifts, pulling people up in bed (which is how I hurt my back) picking people up off the floor if they fall, leaning over patients for dressing changes and other procedures. Believe me, the back of a nurse must be strong. Mine is not. I saw the orthopedic doc on Friday. He looked at the x-rays they did at that visit and my old MRI. He saw arthritis and scar tissue. He also saw a disc that was 80% gone....and that was from an MRI that was two years ago. He went over my medications and was a little stunned. I take a LOT of meds and most of them are for my back! A few are narcotics. I take a long acting morphine that lasts for 12 hours. I take it twice a day. I STILL hurt! He said that I was way too young to be on that much medication and I agree! I either take the meds for a small amount of pain relief or don't take them and walk around in a fog. I am tired of it all. Last weekend I took the medications while J and I ran errands. The result was me looking like a stoner, nodding off during a haircut, and basically not being present in my life. Yesterday I decided was going to be different. I took the bare minimum of pain meds. We had a busy day and it ended with our monthly dinner group with 3 other couples. I wanted to enjoy the day, I wanted to remember the conversation. I wanted to be able to look people in the eyes instead of nodding off in mid sentence. I paid for it. See, I also wanted to sleep in bed next to my wife. I wanted to snuggle up to her, lock my feet into hers as we drift off to sleep. Listening to her breathing and slightly amusing snore. I love waking up together on Sunday mornings. So, instead of sleeping in the recliner where it is less painful to sleep, I slept in bed. With my wife. I woke up in tears. I hurt ALL night long. J said I moaned in my sleep, talked in my sleep and was restless all night. I had taken medication so I didn't wake up. I do however remember being in pain all night. I walked into the living room this morning, sat in the recliner and cried. I am so frustrated. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being dopey. Forgetful. Sedentary. I am just tired. I know other people are tired of hearing about it too! That is why I love this blog! I have only told a few people about it. Probably only 5-6 people that really know me in real life! If they don't want to read it they can scroll on through! The rest are from the internet. Maybe someone who has been through this too will read this. Maybe someone that understands. 


Anyway, back to the Dr. appointment. He pretty much says I need surgery. A back fusion. It is a pretty serious surgery. But, one that may change things for good. One that could help me finally get off these medications. My mother in law just had the same surgery last week and is doing great. Another close friend had it years ago. She was in physical therapy for six months but she is a very active, sporty person now. Both her and J's mom are not on pain medication. That intrigues me! If I could have a surgery, work my butt off in physical therapy, and get off all this medication, I would be thrilled! I have said for the last few years that I would NEVER have another back surgery. I am starting to rethink that! I go for another MRI soon (since this is workers comp I have no idea of the timing of anything!) then I go back for the results. If they say that surgery will help, I will have it done. I am actually getting to the place where I just want it done. If it could bring me relief, I'm ready to go!


Which leads me to the purpose of this blog.....TTC. I will be out of work for awhile. I don't even know if I will ever be able to do the kind of nursing I have always done. I may not be able to do patient care. Which makes me sad. We would have to see. To be on the safe side I will say that maybe I will be back to work in six months. I am getting workers comp right now but that is only 66% of my salary. It was going to be hard to do the whole TTC thing before this happened. Now it will be really difficult. I still think we should try. J has PCOS, we don't even know if she ovulates. We know this is going to be a long, hard road. We just didn't realize that we would also have my crap to deal with! Even if she got pregnant right away and I am still doing PT I think it would be fine. I just don't want my surgery to derail the growth of our family. Its just not fair to J. Who has by the way, been the best, compassionate, caring spouse ever. She does it in her own way, but she has been my rock. She is always a calm amongst a storm . This one has been no different. I am the overreacting, worrier, who has already decided the sky is falling and we're are all doomed! She is the perfect compliment to my hyper-glass empty-and it also has a crack in it world! She is calming, soothing, quiet, caring, we will get through this, even if we have to buy a new glass because yours is cracked kind of girl! She is awesome. She has not once mentioned my decrease in salary or her increase in responsibilities at home and financially. She just said what she always does. "It's going to be ok. We will get through this. Together."


I love that girl.